Matters of the heart are just so hard to understand, I always try my best to explain to my friends. Instead of listening to the whole story, I got cut inbetween and they assume the rest of it.
Recently people are asking me "am I attached?". I'm single and unavailable, because I'm too busy for BGR, I still want to focus on working towards my personal dream of TP revival, I'm unwilling to go into relationships now because that would mean I need to devote more time to her, and less time for everything else. Unless of course, she fully supports this dream.
I honestly do not mind to be single for the rest of my life. It isn't because I do not want to taste heaven on earth, but rather I'm too lazy to care for family, children, family financial problems. With less of those problems, I can do more for God. Of course, I'm not overlooking the benefits of 2 people running the same vision. I know your thinking "what kinda christian are you?" but hey, at least I'm honest with myself and don't resort to lying to win your heart.
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
Friday, October 3, 2008
12:07 AM
So many the times, we encounter choices in our life. In the game, Chrono Cross I played long ago, said something that really impaced me. "You make a choice, at the same time, you elimate yourself from making other choices!"
Is that true? If you made the wrong choice, you wouldn't be able to go back that moment to make the right choice. If you made the right choice, you'll be glad that you didn't go back and made the wrong choice then.
Makes you think isn't it? When you are serious about life, you tend to think all kinds to things. Yes, I'm thinking how can I maximise the time I have on my hands. To maximise my time for work, evangelism, family, friends, God. I haven't really got time for myself, that's what I found out. To keep going along this line is dangerous of course, my needs of my soul is not met. I can never love God with all my SOUL, all my heart, all my strength. Honestly, I do not mind, I just want maximise every single mili-second to pray for people, rest, seek God's face. Probably also because my time in temasek poly is getting shorter and shorter each passing moment that drove me to desperation.
I wouldn't have another chance again. this time I'll finish it well. I must.
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
8:57 PM
I'm really really busy recently, it's not that I do not want to blog, I busy to the point that I couldn't sit down at a place and take 10 breadths.
Honestly I do not know is it because I love my job or is it because of my financial situation as a sole breadwinner that causes me to work so hard without complaining. Or simply because I got less option to choose compared to others
I want to play becuase I work really really really hard, at the same time I do not want to play because of the responsibilities I carry. My friends were jealous of me of my high pay, they saw the amount, but didn't see the feelings that is attached to it. In that sense, I wish I have my feelings removed so that I can focus on my work 100%.
At the same time I'm supressing these feelings to get attention, since I'll end up doing stupid things to get attention. Then sometimes the "beast" nature will stir up within me, it takes quite abit of me to subject it under control. Then comes the feeling of self-pity, wishing some human somewhere in the world to take pity on me. On top of that, I got to put my professional look in the front and put those unprofessional things away. Behind my professional look lies zones and zones of emotional war. I completely DETEST such feelings and attitudes, I wish they can be PURGED from my life!!!
WHo can really understand what I'm going through? I've found none, neither do I find someone going through similiar experiences. All these times, i made it through prayer...remove prayer in my life, I'm finished. Without prayer, my emtoions will go out of control and I'll end up an emotional junk. Prayer is my breadth.
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
