Should I or should I not? There's a great price tag attached to it...not just me but others around me...God please help me...
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
Thursday, January 18, 2007
12:26 AM
Hmm....for the past few weeks(since christmas), I've been struggling with alot of things on my mind...shall I list them?(no, you don't have a choice)
Struggle about...
friends
Future, to finanically support my family
Studies
Rising myself up in cg
My walk with Jesus
Lonliness
I'am so constantly worried/desperate about bringing friends...I came up with alot of plans for friends, all ended up in the black hole. I mean I'am seriously wanting my friends to receive a touch of God, get saved. Why constantly battle with worries/burden/future? Hello! Jesus is the answer! Let God give you peace! While at the same time...hello I'am a christian, and I just failed my exams.
My parents are ahead of 60s and hitting 70s. I was hoping I can quit school (besides my school results are REAL BAD) & take over the burden to finanically support the family. Daily I am praying for them to get saved, remain healthy, less burden and long life.
My members around me are doing pretty well...bringing friends, friends got saved. Naturally I should be happy for them, at the same time I am looking at myself...what the hell I am doing? I tried so hard for so long yet empty results? Even though I was actively serving in CG, seeing their success, I felt I was sinking like a submarine.
Unbelievably, I am in a battle of lonliness! I could never understand it! I got friends, I got God...what on earth am I still feeling lonely deep inside?
My walk with Jesus is suppose to be a relationship not religion! My quiet time is there...yes, 1 hr/day, went for the service and prayer meeting...It became more like a routine! It was more like a religious duty to fufill! I am still praying yet helplessly sinking spiritually like quicksand! The distance between God & me grew bigger...
Helplessly burdened with the list above, (guess what?) I ran. Like a hamster who heard a loud BANG, I flee helplessly into the void. I slept when I was suppose to go to church(from sat night to sun night). I was hoping never to wake up ever again, so I force myself to sleep again when I woke up. I knew my concerned friends/members would call, knowing the system well, I cleverly gave a good excuse for them to stop calling me. I know the inevitable would come; the truth will be revealed. I am just delaying the inevitable. My friends are calling me back, my heavenly Father is calling me home.
Then...I gave up running(where can I run to?), turned myself in(Someone came & assist me back). God required something from me. One simple request: just go home. Not to be financially prosperpous, not to be the best member in cg, not more friends, not more works. Just go home. Need I do anything else? No, just go home. God didn't require me to make a special offering, just 1 thing: Go home.
I did. I let go of all the things I'am holding onto, and surrender it into His hands. This time my relationship with God matters more than anything else to me now. Is the problem still there? Yes, of course. The only difference is, I'am not counting on my own strength now. I'am relying on His grace & strength. I'am doing my best, and leaving the rest to Him.
In the midst of working hard, I miss the whole picture. Our personal relationship matters to God more than anything else in this world. Thus the bible verse "So what you gain the whole world, but to lose your soul?" Put it another way, God is willing to trade the whole world just to save YOU.
In the process of restoration...I saw something. I saw myself walking with Jesus back home. Knocking on the heavenly door. The Father saw Jesus and me. I was welcomed home, sat and ate with them. Just like here on earth. Your friend is always welcomed to your house when your friend is with you. I am welcomed home because of Jesus. I don't need to be rich, glamorous nor handsome. Just because of Jesus, that is sufficient.
I can sum all this up in 1 word! (Sorry you folks for reading so far)
Grace.
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
Monday, January 15, 2007
2:10 PM
The rain just won't stop huh? It makes the weather so....bbrrrr....cold.
My dear maki looking outside the rain must be hoping I would rain as much nuts into her new home.
DREAM ON, Maki
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
Thursday, January 11, 2007
12:31 AM
Since ages I blogged...please read...for your eyes only!
Seems like Maki needed something something to sharpen her precious tooth...unwise choice to pick on the supporting legs of it's 2-storey condo...
the result: half the condo collapse on her...(ouch)
The soultion: I remade the legs...looks like she got smarter this time and left the supporting legs alone! Long live Maki! (And the condo)
The reason I didn't blog for a long time...because I went through quite alot this week, apart from receiving my super disappointing term test results (failed terribly for 2 out of 4 papers)...I've been building myself up spiritually(making a habit to pray now, putting more effort in evangelism), emotionally (learning to apply more control over my feelings), physically (20 pushup & 10 diamond(with 5KG load on my back), 30 situps, leg weight lifting(5kg load)...and working on 3 days of the week...the remaining time goes to my studies & revision...
The desire to rise up in me grows bigger than ever before...The burden to financially support the family(my parents already pass retirement age...anytime they can...) continues to grow...to see my parents at this age...I am hoping their burden would lighten, and stay healthy. I failed in many areas...but I'am still trying...I'am not giving up no matter what! I know God is faithful, if He has seen me through the past, He will always TODAY!
What I really desire now is breakthrough in my spiritual life, my friends to get saved, breakthrough in N119 spiritual & growth, my parents to get saved...and quickly get the diploma and start working.
I will get a job quickly to support the family....
Just give me a little more time...a little while more...mum & dad...then you don't have to work anymore & live better life with less burden...
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
Monday, January 1, 2007
11:59 PM
Ok I'am more freed up now...I just finished upgrading Maki(Hamster) house now it is 2 storey condo....haha initially it was too high, I caught Maki using it as a seesaw(!_!)...so I lowered it...it's fine now!
Yea I really got alot of things on my mind...lots of happenings, lots of flashback as I step into this new year...Since many years I last sang this song in church...just brings alot of flashbacks...
Cover me under Your wings...
Hold me close...in quietness and trust...
When the oceans rise and thunders roar...
I will soar with You over the storm..
Father you are King over the flood...
I will be still and know You are God...
I sang it like this EXACTLY(yes, the lyrics are wrong) when I was in the army during BMT...I still remember...
Everyday was hell for me during BMT...nearly everyone is against me with their words...no one sided with me...the odds were 70 to 1...they knew I was a christian...they wanted to see how long I could endure...till I blow up and they going to say "see! all christians are like that!" Other christians who saw this were afraid and try to keep their identity...I was fighting this alone...
I wasn't a very strong christian then...I just know a little bit here and there...
Every morning...I would wake up at 3:30am(5am wake up)...and go to the room next door, I would on the lights because I was afraid of the dark then.
My heart would fell like an iron ball...it was very painful...and tears would fill my eyes from the pain...I would sing that sing..."When the oceans rise and thunders roar...I will soar with you over the storm"...I don't remember God saying anything to me then...I was like...having a plain and simple heart...It is just God and me at that moment...
It went on for weeks and one day I came upon this verse that came strongly into my heart "Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the thoughts that I think towards you says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" From then on, that verse carried me through my BMT, I am still offended, but I can handle it better; knowing God is there for me, in my lowest moments.
Here I am at service crying again...as I was seeing the flashback...I remembered...God has always been faithful even when I am faithless, God is still good even when we turn our back against Him...I am never truly alone...He is there! I never deserve this...thank you God!
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
