Judas and Peter of the bible...both served Jesus...saw His mighty works...amazed, awed. What an awesome adventure with Jesus. Then the day came, when both of them had their accident.
One chose to turn his Friend in, for 1 month worth of wages. Another denied knowing his Friend after saying he'll stay with Him till the end.
We all know the story...after Jesus was out of SIGHT, and out of MIND. Judas hanged himself and Peter continued to follow his Saviour. Then came the miracle, Jesus came back. Judas no longer around and found Peter.
To God, both are equally serious mistakes. At the sight of the storm and drenched in it, both ran. One couldn't face up to his mistakes, and thought he would never be forgiven....he ran further and never came back. Another went through the pain of facing his mistakes, stayed and waited for Jesus to rescue Him. He was sorry, apologies accepted and moved on.
I was so serious with God, I was prepared to walk with Him till the end. Everything went well...until an accident....a big mistake on my part. I chose something that means alot to me, than to chose Him. I ran...I couldn't bear the pain of saying I would follow You till the end and do another. It was prayer meeting on that day. Ashamed, I wanted to stay outside. Somehow, God made a way and I was inside.
"Don't take the presence of God lightly!"
"Stop running like Judas... be like Peter! Face up to your own mistakes!"
"I say this to you not to break you, but to build you!"
That's what I learned move on. I'am such a scary cat, any storm leaks of rain would send me running. I must learn to go face to face with my mistakes. Even if it means for me to get a scolding. I would rather get a scolding to have my attitude changed!
Like the story in the bible, like Peter, I continued to bear the heavness of guilt while waiting for Jesus. Like Peter, Jesus came and forgave. I'm still learning not to run in the case of my own failure. Like Peter, I'm learning to face it and move on. thank God for this undeserved grace!
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
Sunday, May 6, 2007
11:19 PM
Today's 2nd message on beattitudes was so powerful, that I teared during the preaching of the word (this was the 2nd time in my life I teared during a preaching message)
God brought me back to remember the time where I was so broken before him...That was how the title you see on this blog came out:
I'm just a broken sword, would You give me another chance again To be wield by You again...
Thank God for blogs, I found the previous entry when I made the above statement! It was 30th September 06!
I remember the time I was so addicted to computer games. I was still serving in children church actively, attended church every weekend without fail. I just couldn't get out of my addiction, no matter how hard I tried. One day I came to God and said: "I'am so sorry God, I love my computer so much, I couldn't love You!", Try saying that to your wife: "I'am so sorry dear, I love this gal so much, I couldn't love you!"
Right after saying that, I honestly thought my relationship with God is finished. Well...my life start heading downsteam...No matter how hard I tried, I could never bring my friends to church. Most of my prayers bounced off the walls like arrows hitting the wall & landing as broken arrows. My school results are Fs, after another. Still, knowing my situation, I did not get out of my addiction.
I was glued to the game, but my heart inside was so tired of this rat race. Till one fine day...I was in the midst of playing a game...out of frustration, I just shut the computer. It was 2am, I just went to pray...then these words came out(I believe it wasn't me, cos I wasn't intelligent or able enough to come up with such words)
"I'm a broken sword, no matter how many times I try to make a cut, I could never make a cut in this generation. I'am just a broken sword, would you give me another chance again? To be a sword wield by You again...I'm willing to be forged, hammered, go through the fire. To be the sword used by You to make a cutting edge in this generation."
Lots of tears during that statement...right after that prayer I went to sleep because the next morning is church service.
I still stumble countless times after that, but His forgiveness is always available to me. God slowly gave me the grace and strength to put my addiciton under control, while at the same time experience the blessings and opportunities to grow spiritually.
To be able to serve God today, it is really really an honor for me. It is really really God's grace I am able to come so far today. Who would ever expect a deliberate disobedient and stubborn son will be used by God again? Even after saying "Sorry God I couldn't love You because I love my computer games more?" No words could ever express my gratitude and thanks to You. Only thank You...and thank You.....
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
Thursday, May 3, 2007
2:09 PM
this is the 2nd week of my studies...Everytime I flip my textbooks a 2nd time(i'am a repeat student)...I would always get reminded...
"Why didn't you do better?"
"You think God is still with you after you made a bad choice?"
"Why are you still here? You should have left"
"What makes you think you are going to pass this time?"
Thoughts of fear...but as I mature, I realize something...those repeated voices are all the same. This time I'm handling better. The voices never get stronger or bigger, I'm going stronger and bigger!
I guess when I evaluate myself now...I did change quite alot...other than my personal grooming and hairstyle...I take things more seriously now, now I don't adpot the heck care attitude. I'am sharper with things now, I'am paying more attention to details. Nowadays for lecture I would never sleep, cos I don't slouch on the chair anymore....maybe there's more, but that's all i can think now...
Yesterday cell group prayer meeting was a powerful one...feels like a mini-benny service...presence of God all over the place, fell under the power of God.....I mean like w0w....ever since when prayer meeting would be so powerful?
God prompted me to move closer to God even nearer. I used to live by people's opinions, fear of what others would think of me. After I learn to surrender that to God, i moved a little closer. This time was about keeping problems....I always adopt the attitude of keeping all the problems to myself kind. It's not that I do not want to talk to God about it, but I found it unnecessary.
I always come before God, and always ask God, where can I love You more, serve You more and the what areas I need to change. I would never expect God would say to me "It's ok to share your problems with me...your hurts, disappointments and regrets". I always thought before God, it's always your strongest side that you must show...Who would ever thought God would go all the way down for me...I mean who am I?
No Amount of thanks can express my gratitude...my thanks....for such a great and close friend.
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
