Friday, July 6, 2007

No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...

Well...few weeks before EMERGE 07, I started faithfully attending cell group prayer meeting. It was really awesome. Just like a mini-benny hinn service. On top of that, God spoke to me having a campus ministry that will bring revival to TP. I in awe of all the things that are happening. It is also during this period of time my relationship with God got closer. God wanted me to share the deepest of my hearts, the darkest corner of my heart that no one else knows. I was totally amazed. it's like...who am I? to deserve this unprivilaged grace and honor to experience Him and know that He wants to feel what I feel? As if these aren't good enough, I got a calling for Outing ministry! Who am I? I'm just a nobody among so many! Ordiniary looks, no very great in studies, blur at times, even in terms of committment I'm waaayyyyy behind.

Well great ministry requires great moulding. To be a sword for God that He can wield to make a cutting edge in this generation requires myself to be HAMMERED, SHARPENED, GO THROUGH THE FIRE. And sure I did....few months later. I got really proud of myself of what I'm doing. To the point that I judged my fellow brothers and sisters. No openly, but inside my heart. I started to compare....that I'm faithfully attending prayer meetings and they don't. "Hello? what's wrong with you guys? Can't you open up your heart and surrender like me? If I can, why can't YOU?" Then I favor some people more than others, if you are not on my favor list, don't expect me to reply to you in sms / phone. Sure I can hide inside my heart, but God knows all things.
Eventually God dealt with me. I got a shock (cos I thought no one knows, since I spoke not a word) then a rebuke. Like Humpty Dumpty, I had a great fall. During this period of time, God's glory left me. There wasn't peace in my heart. Few weeks of chaos in my heart nearly drove me nuts. That should explain why I look odd few weeks ago. I tried to act normal, like a cup. However, I'm clean on the ouside, I'm ruined on the inside. It was a great fall indeed. It was a lesson I'll never forget. Don't get me wrong, I did not hate the lesson, although I disliked it. This lesson was valuable and important to me.

During this period of time, I indulged in self-pity. I thought it was all over for me. Since I took God and His presence for granted. I found it pointless to do anything, since God's glory left me, nothing I ever do gonna last nor ever win back His favor again. Since it's over? Why continue on? I tried to find ways to finish my work and pass to the next person and leave church altogether. I actually thought once you let God down, God will pull you away from ministry/church work. I was so wrong! No matter how bad you let God down, you still have to accountable and responsible for your works! It doesn't excuse you from the works you are entrusted to do!
By now, I'm back already. I'm just gathering the shattered pieces of the broken sword(myself). And putting it back again. Trying to restore my studies life, my spiritual life, my personal relationship with God.

His forgiveness was always available, His grace was available long ago because God knew I would fall. Please understand, God didn't give grace so I can keep falling again and again! But to empower me to overcome my weakness! Did I learn a lesson? YES OF COURSE! Did I experience His forgiveness? YES I DID! After expericing His grace and forgiveness, How could I take it for granted and go back to my old ways? No the more I'm going to try harder not to let it happen again!

To me, it's a unforgetable lesson learnt. To God, it was a test of His love proven again. Sure it's easy to love someone who deserves it. "Awww look at this guy, so sorrowful, sure God will forgive You". But what about those who didn't deserve it? Remember Banabas and Jesus? The murderer who went free? "Sure God wouldn't forgive you! God's grace is for me, not for deviants like YOU!" Yet, Jesus, although sinless, assumes our sins and sentence Himself. Just for us to go free, whether we deserve it or not. This is beyond human understanding. His love is not limited by situation or circumstances. And this is God's love proven.

Now you see why I never want to judge others again. In case you didn't see the picutre, it simply because - We all blew it, big mistakes, small mistakes. It doesn't matter even if I find someone worse. We all have wrecked records. Then came God's grace - Took our records and gave us a clean one. Now you see why I never want to take it for granted again. How can I be ungrateful for what He was done for me?