Tuesday, September 23, 2008
8:57 PM
I'm really really busy recently, it's not that I do not want to blog, I busy to the point that I couldn't sit down at a place and take 10 breadths.
Honestly I do not know is it because I love my job or is it because of my financial situation as a sole breadwinner that causes me to work so hard without complaining. Or simply because I got less option to choose compared to others
I want to play becuase I work really really really hard, at the same time I do not want to play because of the responsibilities I carry. My friends were jealous of me of my high pay, they saw the amount, but didn't see the feelings that is attached to it. In that sense, I wish I have my feelings removed so that I can focus on my work 100%.
At the same time I'm supressing these feelings to get attention, since I'll end up doing stupid things to get attention. Then sometimes the "beast" nature will stir up within me, it takes quite abit of me to subject it under control. Then comes the feeling of self-pity, wishing some human somewhere in the world to take pity on me. On top of that, I got to put my professional look in the front and put those unprofessional things away. Behind my professional look lies zones and zones of emotional war. I completely DETEST such feelings and attitudes, I wish they can be PURGED from my life!!!
WHo can really understand what I'm going through? I've found none, neither do I find someone going through similiar experiences. All these times, i made it through prayer...remove prayer in my life, I'm finished. Without prayer, my emtoions will go out of control and I'll end up an emotional junk. Prayer is my breadth.
No matter how complex life is...
I really just want a simple life...
