I'm just a broken sword,would You give me another chance again?To be wield by You again...

Starting Alllllllllllllllllllll over again.

2009-03-23T00:27:00.006+08:00

The new beginning is here:
http://iseeagain.blogspot.com/

This blog comig to a close

2008-10-24T17:35:00.003+08:00

I've finally decided to close down this blog. I'll still be keeping a blog, but at a secret place, reason being, I want to pen down things that are very personal to me.

Thank you faithful vistors, those days were great fun!

Read along the lines

2008-10-23T12:42:00.002+08:00

...
.......
............
...............
....................

After this post, did anyone bother to count how many dots are there? Top-prize for guessing it correct...free lunch/dinner

Strange...

2008-10-13T03:04:00.003+08:00

If you know you got only 4 more mths to live, what would you do?
I'm faced with a similiar situation, I'm not saying I'm going to die, but in a weeks time when sch re-opens, I'm left 4 mths in sch. 4 mths left to make a difference, 4 mths before I bid TP goodbye. I really really REALLY want to know, if my previous prayers for the sch, what would be the result of it? I really really REALLY want to know, by consistantly praying for the sch for 4 mths, what would be the result of it?
Like what my friend said, "If you knew, it'll no longer be fun"
I stand corrected.

"It's not that I'm extreme, it's because I'm running out of time"

Matters of the Heart

2008-10-04T00:50:00.003+08:00

Matters of the heart are just so hard to understand, I always try my best to explain to my friends. Instead of listening to the whole story, I got cut inbetween and they assume the rest of it.

Recently people are asking me "am I attached?". I'm single and unavailable, because I'm too busy for BGR, I still want to focus on working towards my personal dream of TP revival, I'm unwilling to go into relationships now because that would mean I need to devote more time to her, and less time for everything else. Unless of course, she fully supports this dream.

I honestly do not mind to be single for the rest of my life. It isn't because I do not want to taste heaven on earth, but rather I'm too lazy to care for family, children, family financial problems. With less of those problems, I can do more for God. Of course, I'm not overlooking the benefits of 2 people running the same vision. I know your thinking "what kinda christian are you?" but hey, at least I'm honest with myself and don't resort to lying to win your heart.

Life of choices.

2008-10-03T00:07:00.003+08:00

So many the times, we encounter choices in our life. In the game, Chrono Cross I played long ago, said something that really impaced me. "You make a choice, at the same time, you elimate yourself from making other choices!"

Is that true? If you made the wrong choice, you wouldn't be able to go back that moment to make the right choice. If you made the right choice, you'll be glad that you didn't go back and made the wrong choice then.

Makes you think isn't it? When you are serious about life, you tend to think all kinds to things. Yes, I'm thinking how can I maximise the time I have on my hands. To maximise my time for work, evangelism, family, friends, God. I haven't really got time for myself, that's what I found out. To keep going along this line is dangerous of course, my needs of my soul is not met. I can never love God with all my SOUL, all my heart, all my strength. Honestly, I do not mind, I just want maximise every single mili-second to pray for people, rest, seek God's face. Probably also because my time in temasek poly is getting shorter and shorter each passing moment that drove me to desperation.

I wouldn't have another chance again. this time I'll finish it well. I must.

finally got room to breathe

2008-09-23T20:57:00.003+08:00

I'm really really busy recently, it's not that I do not want to blog, I busy to the point that I couldn't sit down at a place and take 10 breadths.

Honestly I do not know is it because I love my job or is it because of my financial situation as a sole breadwinner that causes me to work so hard without complaining. Or simply because I got less option to choose compared to others

I want to play becuase I work really really really hard, at the same time I do not want to play because of the responsibilities I carry. My friends were jealous of me of my high pay, they saw the amount, but didn't see the feelings that is attached to it. In that sense, I wish I have my feelings removed so that I can focus on my work 100%.

At the same time I'm supressing these feelings to get attention, since I'll end up doing stupid things to get attention. Then sometimes the "beast" nature will stir up within me, it takes quite abit of me to subject it under control. Then comes the feeling of self-pity, wishing some human somewhere in the world to take pity on me. On top of that, I got to put my professional look in the front and put those unprofessional things away. Behind my professional look lies zones and zones of emotional war. I completely DETEST such feelings and attitudes, I wish they can be PURGED from my life!!!

WHo can really understand what I'm going through? I've found none, neither do I find someone going through similiar experiences. All these times, i made it through prayer...remove prayer in my life, I'm finished. Without prayer, my emtoions will go out of control and I'll end up an emotional junk. Prayer is my breadth.

Thought of this on the bus

2008-09-04T16:14:00.004+08:00

When I was just a young christian...
I asked Jesus what will I be...
Will I be pastor?
Will I be rich?
This is what He said to me:
O my beloved child, whatever will be will be
You'll realize all these..
means nothing to you...

Now I'm a matured christian...
I don't have to ask...what will I be...
Riches or glory
Honor or fame
All these no longer matters to me
O my lord Jesus, I finally understood what you said to me
All these things will pass away...
I just wanna be with You
Eternal-ly

Strange...

2008-09-01T00:47:00.004+08:00

Felt really strange this week. It's like hitting high notes this moment and low notes another moment. Sometimes I would feel the urge for a merge, at this very moment, I would really prefer to be single and alone.

Alot of things running in my mind this week, about work, family, future, merger, business just to name a few. Then abit upset with some of my friends, who always quick to pinpoint my mistakes, until today I never hear them speak about my good points, or how much I sacrifice. Then again, I think, does it really matter? I took a deep breadth and told myself "it's alright". What to do? My job is to love them.It's good to have God there, I think little, and the rest belongs to Him.

1 life to live. Let's live it 4 Jesus.
(man. I need to exercise, my muscles look like lunchen meat)

Fell down.

2008-08-16T14:51:00.002+08:00

Fell down last week, didn't attend SVC. It was a sin that I was too embrassed to say it out. Anyway gotta move on, regardless it's big or small failure.

Just fell my life currently is run by my situation, there isn't much I can control: like my aging parents, my financial situation, friends situation, members situation, work situation, my personal struggle. Regarding my friends, maybe I just go to accept, no matter how sincere I am, they are simply not interested. I'm really really really sincere, not over days, not over months, but over YEARS!I concerned about their future, giving genuine advise giving them the best I got. It's really really really really really very saddening to see them the same, rejecting the solution that could solve their problems. I mean YEARS! thank God for Godly stamina, But maybe I should spread my net further, I'm wasting my time, wasting their time. No! I'm not giving up.

I'm not giving up. I'll continue to do my best. With the tiume I have before I work full-time, I'll still be their sincere friend. I just hope, it's not too late then. God! Is this the ministry I sign up for? It is impossible to move forward unless I move forward with LOVE!

FOP + Some Random Stuff

2008-08-06T09:18:00.004+08:00

During the whole of FOP, the service itself was impactful, the message was powerful, the praise & worship was wonderful and finally the presence of God was beautiful.

In the midst of all the excitement. Something caught my attention, and left an deep impression in me . I saw a group of youths (about 7 people), their arms around each other shoulders jumping and praise God together. They didn't let go until they move forward to the front(towards the end of the SVC).

I was...a little jealous and at that moment, I had some flashbacks in my mind.
I was with our own group of friends, during previous years FOP, we would have our arms around each others shoulders jumping up and down. Saying how we want to serve God together in our generation. We don't have alot, not in education, not in wisdom, neither rich or famous. We are just happy, love God, trying to get the bible right(haha...)
Now...we all went our ways, didn't know what happened to the rest and some left. It was very sad, but still I must go on. The people out there still need Jesus. For awhile, I thought maybe we could do that again, it'll be wonderful isn't it? But nah, it probably wouldn't happen again.

I've been thinking alot about my future and planning. My dad is in his 70s & my mum in her 60s. I need to save up and prepare should they go. They hold tightly onto traditional values, thus, they don't have insurance cover. Plus, I couldn't afford for them. By the time I could work, probably no insurance would want to cover them.
Even if I could earn 2k/mth with very very minimal spending. I could only save up to 10k in a year. Looks like I'll be single for a l00ng l00ng time. I just don't like the idea of having my better half to carrying an additional load of financial burden although the saying goes "going through thick and thin together". Well, this is the 'best' plan I can think of. God always does far above and beyond what I can think of imagine.
Actually, I don't mind being single for the rest of my life too. Which means I can fully focus on missions without any family responsibilities. Having a wife to relate to is just a bonus to experience heaven on earth. As long as I can see revival in TP in my lifetime, I don't care who leads it. I just want to see it. That's enough for me, the rest is a bonus due to God's grace :)

Interesting Day

2008-07-16T20:36:00.002+08:00

Had an interesting conversation with my attachment friend today. We were talking about how our thinking shaped through this attachment.

I was saying that what I've gone through in sch for the past 2 years is nothing compared to 2 mths I'm attached to this company. I was really amazed that 2 full years of education is really nothing! It is really only this 2 mths of attachment really shaped my thinking. From here, I got a revelation. 2 years of knowledge nothing compared with 2 mths personal experience

From today on, it is a challenge to me. TO bring the reality of Jesus into our world. How can I do it in a way that my friends know not only theory, evangelise to them in a way for them to personally encounter God? Have you asked yourself this before?

Poem? A Song?

2008-07-06T15:33:00.001+08:00

Standing & Falling

As I was walking along this long road to a beautiful place where I call home
As I walked, I saw some people by the side, they have no place to go to.
Some were depressed, some were stressed, most of them look ok.
Having compassion on them, I offered "Come, let's go to home together"
Some followed and some replied "It's okay, you go ahead"

So now we walked together
we were glad to have company
we are just happy to be able walk together
We often shared what are we going to do when we reach home
We often shared how we are going to encourage more people to join us
Sometimes we fell
Either because we trip or got distracted and look sideways
We helped each other up, tend the wounds and moved on
Encouraging each other we are walking closer to home

As we walked on
Some gave up because the journey was too long
Some gave up because they fell too many times
Some gave up because they find the sideways more interesting
Some gave up because there was a lack of company
Some gave up because there was no one there to tend their wounds when they fell
Some gave up because it was less tiring to stay than to walk
Most walked on without encouraging others to join us

So I puffed up my chest and moved on
Critical of their actions, in my heart saying "they shouldn't have done this"
I thought I was right.
I was really right! They got it all wrong and messed up!
Rather than to encourage them to move on
I kicked and toss them aside, critising them "you should have known better!"
It was the truth and it did set them free
But I hand them in a way like a bowling ball and force them to swallow it down
It was so hard to swallow, most of them never returned
I should have handed the truth to them like pieces of fishball

It was a point of no return
No amount of words or prayer could return them back
They remember the details with their mind
And bury it with their heart
People follow you home easily while they are young
It was easy to encourage people to follow me home when I was a youth
It was alot harder now, because as people grows older, they are set in their ways
I should have done the right thing then
And not waited until now

If anyone walking with me were to critise me and said "You deserve to die for what you've done!"
With tears in my eyes, I would reply "You're right."
"That's why today I'm writing this to people reading this so that no one would make the fatal mistake like I did"
Today, I fell. In fact long enough for maggots to grow and infest my wounds.
But I didn't get treated like what I deserved: Condemnation
I would give a final reply "I got what I never deserved"

As requested....

2008-07-04T11:48:00.007+08:00

Due to amounting pressures by my fellow brothers and sisters to update...this is to wet your appetite.

Well, I've been playing computer games (heroes of might and magic, diablo), rested quite well, played into midnight. I was in my past, returned to my past. A past that I should have let go, a past that I should not have returned to. It has been for a week already.

Sounds like I have a good rest huh? Quite the opposite, I've to compromise alot of things along the way - exercise, work, studies, ministry, family, even my daily meals, I ended up even losing the closest friend I ever have.

Computer games is really my Achilles heel. Once I pop, I never stop. Nearly everyone I know can asert self-control in this area. How I wish I can do the same! Must my weakness and what I like match like a couple? I gotta find something else to replace this old habit of mine.
Some things that haunted me for years and I never understand - Like the children of Israel out of Egypt, they longed to go back! Once I broke free of this habit for nearly a year, I went back again! Knowing it was wrong! WHY? I'll never understand WHY!

Well, I finally decided today this is going to end. Going to restore back what I lost. Of course there are certain things that you could never recover, trust broken is one of the hardest thing to restore.
Well...let's move on from here...

Oh...I forgot to add:
Yesterday I got an sms from one of the teachers handling my kids. "Well done! My kids say they love you! You made difference in their lifes!" That made my day, that was the trigger that turned me away from my computer games.
Power in encouragement? You bet.

my 1st Sermon!

2008-06-11T13:16:00.004+08:00

I was out for lunch reading this book "Close encounters of the divine kind" for 15 mins. While I was reading I got the inspiration to write out a sermon note which is what you below....man...when I think back about it....I mean...it's so....COOL-LA

S-I-N Nature
People around this world usually ask this question. That is, if God really exists, why is mankind on earth suffering from broken hearts and broken home? Don’t you always feel that sense of injustice? That you can make this imperfect world a better place? In that sense, you are right! You DO have a purpose and calling in your life to make this world a better place!

Because of SIN, we are unable to fulfill that purpose and calling. SIN corrupts man’s character, and a corrupted character produces corrupted results.
Let me give you an example:
I love computer games, I played starcraft, warcraft, Mario…you name it, I played it. But I’ve stopped playing ever since. But why did I stop?
Is computer games wrong?......
OF COURSE NOT!
Computer games has created plenty of job opportunities and provided as a form of entertainment in our stressful society today!

Friends, playing computer games isn’t wrong! But the addiction to computer game is! As a result, I shouted abuses at my parents, neglected my homework, neglected my friends, eventually neglected my health.
What was originally intended for good was corrupted because of SIN…
The deadliest SIN is pride. A good example would be children refusing to apologize to the parents for what they have done wrong. It is very hard to say 1 word “Sorry?” It takes less than 1 sec for that 1 word! But why we didn’t? It’s because of pride…
You may say…”Well, it’s no big deal after all…eventually they’ll forget it anyway”
Then look around the world today! Children who have COMPLETE HOMES & BROKEN HEARTS because of parents living their own lifes after they have children and countries going to war because both sides refuse to stand down! Resulting in millions of soldiers and innocent people dead! All because of….. PRIDE.

Every thing that has a beginning will definitely have an ending. The ending result of SIN is death, not just physical death, but death of character. Now you know why people can go around killing and torturing people without feeling anything in their hearts. Because…their character is dead as a result of SIN.

Now you know why God is sending Christians all around the world, to preach Christ? A God in a man, named Jesus, pinned to the cross to deal with SIN. To prevent further devastation of man and man reconcile to God. The blood of Jesus splattered across the CROSS for the world to see, and with each drop of blood, it reads: “I love you, that’s why I died for you.”

Armor Bearer

2008-06-09T23:56:00.005+08:00

Was trying to sleep for past 15 mins, but couldn't...I think I got this revelation while on my way to sleep....I think I wouldn't be able to sleep until I blog this....

Anyway this is the core of me being a disciple:
Armor Bearer

1 Samuel 31:3-5 (New International Version)
(Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society)
3 The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him critically.
4 Saul said to his armor-bearer, "Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me." But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. 5 When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him.

The armor bearer wouldn't dare to kill him even at a King's request. He was right! As it is wrong to strike God's annointed! As a trained soldier, and King Saul's personal armor bearer, he must some experience in medical healing, King Saul's wound is not fatal and it is still possible to nurse King Saul back to health.

Judges 9:53-55 (New International Version)
(Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society)
53 a woman dropped an upper millstone on his head and cracked his skull.
54 Hurriedly he called to his armor-bearer, "Draw your sword and kill me, so that they can't say, 'A woman killed him.' " So his servant ran him through, and he died. 55 When the Israelites saw that Abimelech was dead, they went home.

In this case, the armor bearer killed abimelech. In this case it's hard to say it's wrong or right. His master request was to kill him, to avoid embrassment and humiliation. As a trained soldier, and Abimelech armor bearer, he must some experience in medical healing, saw that Abimelech wound was fatal, and there was no way to nurse Abimelech back to health. Rather see his master suffer humiliation, the armor bearer did it himself, at his master's request.

I Just realized the person whom I serve as an armor bearer too died also, seeing my master fall, I fell on my own sword.
Yes, he died to Christ and now live his life for Jesus
I too died to Christ(seeing my master example) and live my life for Jesus still follow my leader as an armor-Bearer

Random Things~

2008-06-08T06:02:00.001+08:00

Recently this thought came to my mind:

Doing God's will is not in the absence of self-will, but God's will stronger than our will.

I'm not giving up!

2008-06-06T07:44:00.002+08:00

Man...I thought I got the momenthem....I got up @ 430am from monday-wed...thursday adn today I couldn't make it! Man....430am is the highlight of my day man! Where I can pray as long as I want with ZER0 interference! I'm not giving up! I'm going to try again and again and again! EVen a thousand times till I get my prayer life back!

Thank You!

2008-06-03T22:24:00.003+08:00

I got plenty of time alone nowadays, although I'm ultra busy moving from one thing to another... I was comparing my past and present...
Last time...I was hungry for a direction. I'm walking and running, but I do not know whewre I'm going. I keep on asking and praying for a direction
Now, I'm definately pleased with where I'm going, with clear sense of direction. But really, the works that comes with it was really more than what I bargained for! But I reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly love God. Like what my friend say, For You, a thousand times over.

When you really love somebody, really...for You, a thousand times over.

Here it goes again....

2008-06-02T04:54:00.009+08:00

Wow...towards the end of the prayer meetings last week. God touched me powerfully. I saw myself that during that time in the army. I woke up everyday 430am, I was weeping before God everyday, because of the treatment I recevied from my fellow army mates everyday.
That time I really had the fear of the dark, so I would always turn on the light before I pray.

Now...(It's 4:58am now, just woke up 20 mins ago), I'm still afraid of darkness sometimes.
Since the powerful touch, I felt the conviction to seek His face everyday @ 430am like what I used to do. I used to try before but never had the strength to do it, until God spoke, I really found the strength to do it. It was confirmed again through my discipler. At the same time, I found out that 5 hrs of rest is just nice for me. I would still feel restless anything beyond that.

2008-05-25T21:03:00.001+08:00

Creating another blog. It'll detail the adventures I have, everytime I visit TP every friday! link here: http://therevivalpeople.blogspot.com/

Free to Blog Again!

2008-05-22T22:33:00.002+08:00

Finally got some free time! W00t!

I've been thinking about something I heard long time ago...
This race is run by faith, won by grace
and presently, we are...
Working together with the Holy Spirit bringing the reality of Jesus into our world.

Lemme know your thoughts on this ok?

Looking back

2008-05-15T23:29:00.004+08:00

Looking back (Hey! I'm not backslidding OKIE!)

You know what? Exactly 1 year ago, I had nothing. Nothing to my name, there wasn't anything in my life that I was proud of, no financial freedom, aimless, pointless, directionless. no breakthroughs, no...nothing. Just wasting my life away in playing computer games passing midnight

Then came the day God visit me in my room. He came, rather than leaving me to my hopelessness, looked to me as someone who didn't know what he was doing. His touch, His mercy and His grace extended to me.

That day what I said was the title of this blog:
God, I come before you as broken sw0rd, so broken... I could never make a cut...
I'am just a broken sword...would You give me another chance again? To be wield by You again...
I'm willing to be grinded, hammered and go through the fire
Just to be Your sw0rd to make a cutting edge in this generation.

It's too early to say I'm not financially rich. But I'm just happy as a Christian now, no breakthroughs yet, but I'm just happy doing my best, doing my part. Better try and fail, than never try at all.

Discouraged many times, just say God, I love You, this is for You. And move on again.
God, My Lord, It's not me, it's Your grace and mercy, faithfulless and love make me who I am today. Without You, I would have continued rotting my life away with endless hours of computer games!

This blog has always been and will always be dedicated to You, as a sign of your grace, mercy, faithfulness and love to me. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, THANK YOU~!

A funny Joke

2008-05-11T22:06:00.002+08:00

Every now and then. I'm wearing The T-R-P Jacket. Everytime I wore it, I was so proud of it and looking forward for revival to come.

So...The Revival People huh? How many people have I won to Christ so far?(that stayed)
1

Remember Abraham?

Father Of Many Nations
How many kids you have?
0

Haha...It's a funny feeling. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.

Business From The Ashes

2008-05-10T01:40:00.002+08:00

I've created a new Forum. It is meant for those people who have computer hardware/software troubles. It's good to be a blessing. http://ezcomputers.freeforums.org/index.php

Maki Passed away

2008-04-30T00:22:00.003+08:00

Maki passed away 2 weeks ago. I just couldn't have the heart to say it. No matter how strong on the outlook I was.
Thanks Maki, for the beautiful memories you given me. I've learn to care and love, no matter how insignificant anyone is. I'll be strong and move on.

Your greatness has made me great.....

2008-04-14T20:34:00.003+08:00

Looking back now...I wouldn't have imagine the person I am now.

If I didn't come to Christ, I'll probably still won't be able to get an ITE cert and waste my life away. I'll probably have a family breakdown due to my temper.

Thank you Alex, Junjie, Kern, Wenxing.
It's not I become great...It is your greatness that made me great. Thank you!
Thank you God, I would never thought you would save someone who hated the mention of Your name

It'll probably be a very long time before I can blog again. Till then. ^-^
oh oh! I officially use my Christian name, Peter, today!

weeeeeee.........

2008-04-09T00:19:00.000+08:00

weeeeeeeeeeeeeee..........looks like i dun have to drive afterall! whew!

Can I don't?

2008-04-08T00:22:00.003+08:00

I receive news that I'll once again be driving again in my friend's car...
I'm excitied, while at the same time I got deep fear inside of me

I still remember the time I came into accident, I saw blood....
I just can't shake it off my mind...
Can I don't go?

Growing up.

2008-04-06T01:21:00.002+08:00

What was painful to me is painful no longer...I'm still getting nearly equilvalent hard knocks. It's no longer that painful anymore, in fact I'm handling quite well.

I learned an important lesson from my leader whom I'm serving as a armor bearer.
Everyone can start well, yet not all can end well.

I'm such a great example of that. A strong word, and whoo I'm all and excited. When it becomes a valley of dry bones...then boo...so dry? bye bye God
No breakthrough after endless FASTING and Praying? bye bye I give up on friends
No longer exciting to come to church, and so I take off

Now I see and realize, after knocks, bitterness, dryness, unfairness, heavyness, injustice, being wronged. Few are willing to go that far to believe.
No wonder God gave the promise that those who endures to the end will be rewarded.

Man I hate to be poor...

2008-04-02T00:21:00.002+08:00

When I boss revealed today was my last day of work...I was kind of relived, at the same time with mixed feelings
Did I leave an impact behind?
Did I show how a christian is suppose to be?
Was I a blessing to them?
Have I been a burden than a blessing?
When they gossip about people who quit earlier, will they gossip about me when I leave?

I missed alot of lunches with them. I only had 2 lunch appointments with them out of the 8 chances we got. I really want to stay with them for every lunch appointment and know them more. I really got $0 to my name, and no other means of finances other than borrowing (I HATE DEBT!!!) and getting from my parents(NO WAY!). I couldn't bring my mouth out to tell them "Hey, sorry I can't join you for lunch, cos I got no $". I was suppose to be a blessing, not a burden...that's how I justify myself. If I really got more than enough, I would certainlly sponsor them every lunch appointment we have.
Hmm...I'm really thinking too much. I'm suppose to make do what I have, and not always complain about what I don't have.

I never stop thinking...

2008-04-01T00:10:00.002+08:00

When I read the beginning in the book of Acts I'm always very excited. When I hear and read about the charismatic movement that started close to a century ago, I get excited and at the same time puzzled.

Why couldn't we do it the same today? Why couldn't we do it for the same in my school? I still remember few mths ago, everyday during my lunchtime I would never stop praying for the school from monday to friday. What are we still lacking? Consistancy? Fervency? Passion? Hunger? I didn't knock enough before I gave up?

Will I see it before I leave this school? Or will I be part of the fading pictures in history?

Hi what do you want me to pray for you?

2008-03-30T22:03:00.003+08:00

I finally understand the meaing of too much for words...

him: Hi, what can I pray for you about?
I was stunned for awhile, before I realized whatever I went through this week I couldn't sum it up in a sentence...w0w....God I really can't take it anymore!

BUT! I don't want to give up!

While I was munching dinner today something came to my thought
"We christians may not completely change a siutation, but we can certainally make a situation BETTER"
w0w....I'm not so smart to think of something like that.

knock knock

2008-03-29T22:43:00.002+08:00

Getting so much hard knocks now I'm more or less used to it. Hope everything I went through wasn't in vain. If not I've wasted half-my-life being a problem-solver.

Anyway I'm here just to credit 2 people who helped me with guitar practice. 1: Clement(CG) 2: Samuel (POS). Thanks alot to them for the help they provided (for free). If my fingers weren't in pain, I would have typed more to thank you. Thanks again!

Painful fingers that lingers for days that refuse to go away...it turns from ouch to grrr.....grrrr.......RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

just realized...

2008-03-29T01:36:00.002+08:00

My fingers are ouchy...This pain kinda stick with you throughout the whole day...isn't really that painful but just plain irritating.

I realize something while I'm working today....when there is a problem, that's why there is a job. No problem=no job. Makes sense? If not why are you employed for? Obviously is to be a problem-solver.

Sometimes...

2008-03-27T20:02:00.002+08:00

Sometimes looking at the helpless situtation I'm in...
I really want to give up...only to look back and found the door shut. And being reminded again it is me who choose to go the narrow way. It's really so narrow...I can't even shift a little to the left or right!

If there's a story in the bible that can describe my currrent situation, I would say it's james and john.

Jesus: Are you able to drink this cup that I'm bearing?
James and John: YES! We are able!
Jesus: You will indeed drink this cup.

Me: hahaha.

Your defination of poor?

2008-03-26T13:31:00.003+08:00

I realized people define poor very differently.
when they cannnot watch movie
When they cannot go overseas
When they cannot catch a concert
When they cannot eat
When they cannot buy a notebook
When they cannot buy their favourite things

Sometimes when people complain to me that they are poor(all above), I nearly wanted to burst out and tell them "You do not really know what poor is"

Today is a great example. I wanted to eat, but I couldn't. I couldn't even pay for my transport. 0 to my name. $10 left in bank account and can't draw nor top-up my card. Man, I'm so poor I nearly wanted to cry when I looked at my situation.

Of course I got an super easy alternative to take $ from my parents. But NO! I'm never gonna do that again!
Man shouldn't live by CONVENIENCE, but CONVICTION.

painful.

2008-03-23T15:00:00.004+08:00

Have you ever come to a point that is painful to believe? I started, I believed, I kept going, I kept trying. I believed, tried and failed, I believe again, tried again and failed again. Even I kept going.

It's so painful to believe now.

I've learn to smile through multitude of FailureS and DisappointmentS.
The pain is multiplied when I have to give up something I love alot in order to move on. This thing I love at the same time is my achillies heel. Can't I have the best of both worlds?
Let's keep trying again, guanjin. I'll believe even if it is painful.
Whatever I have today, I owe it to You.

New Game!

2008-03-22T01:44:00.000+08:00

Try out this online game. Requires no download and it's a low-committment level game! Best suit for busy people like me! Give it a try!

Working place...

2008-03-12T13:22:00.002+08:00

I'm currently working under H.P attached to YCMS (Go google if you dunno). I happen to work in singapore boy and gals home. I feel at ease when i'm at boys home. I got really uneasy when I step into the gals home.

I mean they gals over there stare as you and occasionly shout "Yan Dao!". Their stare is not the usual stare, they stare at you as if you are the last living Adam on earth!

For other guys this may be EXACTLY what they want. I like attention but this is kinda way overboard. Due to this motivation, I finish my work faster than usual and skipped my lunch.

Tat's all about me for now. For my spiritual life, I think my own altar is utterly destroyed. I need to build it back again.

Not again...

2008-03-04T01:39:00.001+08:00

Man....was served another load of french fries....
Well the more I eat the fatter I get
I'll grow fat till I crush Sa-tan flat flat

One after another....

2008-03-02T02:17:00.004+08:00

Since ages I last posted right...?
Been going through alot of hard knocks.
One knock after another
One set back after another
One failure after failure
I was REALLY expecting a success or breakthrough after each setback! Really!
I got a few setback that lasted in YEARS!
I got so much of it, it's like french fries to me now.
Success has become an unfamiliar word.
Now I'm just wondering, how many more and how much more?
No don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up! NO WAY I'm GONNA GIVE UP!
If God has given me one thing...I would say...
He made me invincible(coming back after each setback)

Guys...

2008-02-29T19:22:00.004+08:00

I know there's a hot saying out there...
That we cannot change the world by one person alone...
Of course I can agree with that...

But please do not forget, we may not change the world by 1 person alone. We HUMANS are givenn power and responsibility to change individual lifes!
THAT'S CULTURAL MANDATE!
For example, by providing for my family
By giving a dollar to a beggar on the streets
For that beggar, I made the difference.

Thought of something...

2008-02-25T20:26:00.002+08:00

hmm thought of something funny...while I was in the toilet today...
When a lady enters the gents by accident. If she screams, all the guys in the gents will come to her rescue.
However, when a guy enter the ladies by accident. If he screams (just trying to be consistant here...) All the ladies in the ladies will gang up and tie the guy up.

It's not really fair after all.

What a disater....

2008-02-18T23:27:00.002+08:00

I was so tense....going to be a director for EZ computers is certainally not easy...the responsibilities as a leader I carry, on top of that church ministry and school ministry I must look after. I personally DO NOT like leadership roles anymore...I just want a simple life with God. I'll only do it for God and God only. I used to hunger and mad about leadership roles! what a change...

I'm still mangaging well...except something doesn't feel right...I know...I saw....I need to add my works with fire...with passion. Strange...not matter how many times I strike...I can't spark the fire in my life anymore....

Eventually I lost focus...I really came to a point I REALLY FORGOT who and what I was doing for. Today's TRP meeting was really a breakthrough for me. Thank God I was there! Thank God I didn't give up and let go! If I did...man...I would have lost one of the greatest breakthrough in my life.

God I need to come back again...even if my ministry or business fails? SO WHAT? As long as I have you...nothing else matters....I just wanna be here with you...

Hard to read...

2008-02-15T23:59:00.001+08:00

It's hard to read....I increased the font size by 1...looks offensive....strangely...

Have you....?

2008-02-10T02:08:00.001+08:00

Have you 'hear' someone knocking in your heart while in the midst of your work? You feel uneasy, you don't usually feel it. You just have to do something...to pray...then you tried to ignore...the knocking comes harder....you ignore again...the door of your heart stops knocking...

Don't ignore the knocking in your heart...it may never come again.
Oh, God's door is always open!
There you find Him waiting...
There I found release
I know I don't have to worry about tommorrow, because He takes care of me
Don't forget to take care of me God...
I really dunno how to live 'life'

Following Jesus

2008-01-28T17:26:00.001+08:00

Felt that I should share my personal experience in following Jesus...hope it can be an encouragement to those who are reading this to follow Jesus with all their heart, soul and might! Then to discover what God wants you to do presently! I really do hope the next generation of people to learn from my mistakes, if you can don't do them, you can use your Youth for God!

History
First of all my history...
I'm in church for more than 6 years. When I first started out, I was often extreme, forced my conviction on others. For example, I would say to another person you MUST do this...do that. Then I would say "The Lord says" when the Lord didn't say at all! I often do the right things, but with a wrong motive or wrong heart. Like aiming for leadership positions for personal gain, glory.
Let me share that I consider an honor and privilege to be in this TP-ministry. It is really not my hard work or sincerity to earn God's grace. But it is really by God's grace, I was given a chance to serve God in this ministry.

How it started?
I was really a hardcore computer addict, I would often say I wanted to pledge my life to God, but keeping my love for computer games, has often cause me to stumble in my prayer life. Sometimes because of computer games, I would say at home not going to church. Computer games would interupt my prayer life. Often I play than pray. Funny thing is I often lie to my self but telling myself, 1 more round until I pray, or until 2am then I pray....

Eventually I came to a point I was so sick and tired of my life and my addiction. I remember it was 12am++ that night. In a middle of a game, I threw my mouse(...not the real one) aside in frustration, then close the game and shut down the computer immediately. I was really sick of my life, I went to bed with a alot of mixed feelings in my heart.
I couldn't sleep, I got out of my bed after my mum left my room, I went on my knees with tears flooding out of my eyes. I made a prayer that I knew I couldn't have prayed myself (Thank God for the Holy Spirit!). The prayer was:
"I feel like a broken sword before You...
Would You give me another chance again?
Forge me, Hammer me, Put me in the burning furnance
That I can your sword
That I wouldn't lose my cutting edge
To make a cut in this generation
That I can be a sword to be used by God

So is computer games wrong? I really love *this or that*, is it wrong?
The bible says, God has created all things for good. There is really nothing wrong with computer games or the things you love like shopping or golfing. What is really wrong is often the addiction to it, that casues your walk with God(for example prayer, and obedience to God's word, reading the bible) to be compromised.
God really wants to change you, except He can't change you unless you live a surrendered life to God.
You mentioned an encouter with God? Must I have a 'THUNDERSTORM' experience in order to become what God wants you to be?
I remember after that experience, I received a word through a friend (who is my discipler now) that I'm like a Prodigal Son (luke 15:11 onwards). After spending all the wealth I've received (in this case gifts and talents God has given me), I'm finally returned to God, asking not to be a King's son, but rather start again from the lowest servant.
Seriously 'THUNDERSTORM' experience may or may not come to every individual, it's up to God's sovereignty. If we refer to the bible, usually it happens! Moses burning bush experience, Paul's encounter with Jesus. I believe such experiences are like memorial stones, for you to remember by and to share as a testimony like Apostle Paul did.

So It Begins...
Thank God for blogs! When I look back from now and my previous blog entries, it was really a time of moulding and refining! Many times I fall and fail, I've got to learn how to get out of self-pity about letting God down...letting people down...
I used to go all out in order to get the Cell Group Leader's Helper position, I did everything possible, gave my all. In the end another person who recently joined the church, came and took it over! I was completely stunned and at the same time growing hatred for this person!
God really does things in a way you never expect to change you. I become his DISCIPLE! The VERY person who took away the position I've hope for! Well, seriously at this time, I've already given up everything including positions and power. I'll settle for anything God gives me.
It was a period of alot of tryings and failings. Alot of times learning how to get up after I fell down. Especially in my area of pride and submission to leaders. On a few of these occassions I would turn to computer games than to God for comfort. Also once in awhile, my emotions would get the better of me after I fall down, thinking I let God down, let people down, I thought I missed it and God given up on me. I was dealt with in my hunger for positions, praise from people. Cleaning up my wrong desires with right actions into right desires/motives with right actions. I shifted from work & results focued to God-focued. It's all about Jesus! Really! It was really a heart clean-up! It takes REAL God to change a REAL person!

Wow! That's alot you went through! How did you have the assurance God not given up on You?
I always remember when I fall, the devil would always remind me of these verse where esau traded his birthright for a bowl of soup. Everytime I fell, I was keep being reminded of that, I thought I've given up my calling for a moment of pleasure. I got really a hard time to get out of it. Until I learn about God's grace and love is really beyond what we think. It's really not God's grace has ran out, but rather our trust in God's grace has ran out.
Recently I read interesting article reading God's grace. It's like a baby falling down, when a baby falls down is the baby disqualified being a human? I believe God knows our weaknesscess and shortcoming. Our fall is nothing new to God nor surprises Him. He has already prepared a way out. Falling down doesn't disqualify us from being a citizen of God!
Does that mean I can keep making the same mistake over and over again?
I believe God's grace should never be taken for granted. Every chance we are given by God should be taken seriously, make action plan to deal with it! Esau's story shouldn't be taken to the extreme, but rather as a serious reminder that God's calling in our life shouldn't be taken lightly!
Like what the bible says, Grace should encourage you to do good! Grace has taught me to love the word of God with obedience! Cheap grace encourages evil, True Grace encourages good!
How do you know if the person is sent from God and can become your discipler?
If you are willing, and give your best to God. God can really send anyone He wants, but I think Discipler should qualify according to the bible. Must love God, must not always be self-centered, MUST OBEY the word of God, leading a good example, consistant in character. You must know that discipler or leaders are still human, at time they show their human side like Elijah emtional side of him and King Saul's armor bearer - David. Don't give up, but rather continue to stay by his side to support him. You are supporting each other to grow! I'm my discipler's armor bearer. That also means I'm also by his side to defend him and guard him with my life.
I also believe showing RESPECT to God's annointed and authorities is important. After all they are sent by God, whether they are perfect or not. Even if they are outrightly wrong, you correct them with RESPECT! If have no respect for people God has sent, how will God appoint them over your life?
Have you 'REACHED' and become the person God wants you to be?
Definately NO! I believe it's the same for everyone too! I also don't wanna come to the point where I thought I'm 'Perfect'. Reason being; that prevents me from further growth! Those who desire to grow more in the Lord should ALWAYS keep their hearts and minds open! You'll never know when God shows up and bring changes!
What was the hardest thing during those periods of moulding?
I would say keep on trying again and again after letting God down. And to believe God, He'll give you another chance again and again.

*****PART 2*****

Presently
Presently, I'm still in this school, believing this year will be lots of changes for harvest time! I've noticed overtime, that the devil usually employs the same tactic with very slight varations. I guess this is because he doesn't have a creative mindset. I'll list some dangers, obstacles I face, who knows what you may learn out of it!

Always and always beware of competition!
I'm always in hunger for leadership position (usually a common trend in guys), I really got a hard time out of it. This is usually one of devil's favourite tactics to cause DISUNITY! If the devil can't take you out individually, he'll set you guys up against each other, especially those hunger for power. I remember the common thoughts that fills my mind was "Beware of this person! He's rising up and taking over your position!" "Look at the way he/she preach, you can do better!"
God was very stern with me in this area. I've learn to got out of it only when I finally accept we are building God's kingdom, not our kingdom! It doesn't really matter who takes the leadership position or not. God has given each and everyone a role unique to you, leader or not. Probably that's how we cover the WHOLE earth with our prayers/works/ministry.
BUSY! BUSY! BUSY!
This is the most used tactic and favourite of the devil. Your prayer life strong? good! Got ministry? Good! I'll wear you out! The devil will keep you so busy even with 'Godly works' even christian ministry to wear you out! It's good to be busy for the right things! But what is the source of your ministry? - Your love for God!
My personal guideline is if I'm too busy to pray, I'll cut down all other activities until my prayer life is restored. Usually, this kind of busyness causes your prayer life to suffer, your relationship with God to be affected. Too tired to read the bible and to pray is usually the case. Emotional / Physical tireness causes you to lose track, cos you lose concentration and can't see as well.
I finally understood what God meant by "What's the use of gaining the whole world, but to lose your soul?"
Opportunities OVERLOAD!
I always thought having alot of opportunities are good. Until I realize they are so many until the REAL opportunity is covered from my sight. Say for example, I'm reaching out to 2 friends. All of sudden, it seems like my whole list of friends start looking for me. Yes, and all of sudden, I got so many opportunities to outreach that I lost focus of my 2 friends.
Stay FOCUSED! Staying focused is like a concentrated laser beam, penetrate into the future, writing your name on it(future).
Make a mistake? Keep it to yourself!
Some mistakes are really really no big deal to God. The devil comes by and make you feel as if you own the whole world money or the other way round. The best way to get out of this is really submission to your leaders! And always, always coffess it to God and ask for forgiveness before it grows into a bigger problem! Whenever I'm feeling low, I would e-mail/write to my leader and tell them about it. To let them pray for me and get out of it. They are good leaders who help me to know if I'm going the right direction.
Faliures and mistakes are part and parcel of following Jesus
I often fail in this. Everytime I fall or make a mistake. I would run away like Peter did in the bible. Don't dwell in your-self pity, self-pity IS NOT part of growth! Dwelling in self-pity only causes delays to your calling! Confess your mistakes to God, repent, hurry up and move on! God is OK with you making mistakes big or small, as long as you lift it up to Him and to the best of your ability not to repeat it again.(This also applies if you make the same mistake X number of times.)
Being spiritual doesn't mean God will speak to You all the time!
I often wanted God to speak to me as much as possible in order for me to get a clear sense of where I'm going. I realized, God wastes no words. He'll only speak to you when necessary. He requires you to put your FAITH and trust in Him, that is, even if you don't see His hand, you trust His heart that God has the best interest for you. Keep on praying, reading bible and fast. A loving Father will never abandon His children!
Are you stuck? No more room for growth?
I think I'll never be able to forget this one. After I rededicated my life to God (as above). At one point I found myself really stuck, and not growing anymore. I wondered what was wrong and kept praying. Didn't really help much until I tried something DIFFERENT
I remembered I wanted to make a difference in TP. So I would go to each faculty's(4 faculty in my school) toilet to pray EVERYDAY!(except weekeneds) Within a month, I was able to figure out which toilet in the whole school can give you the most privacy and the best smelling toilet in my school.
After a some months, I decided to move out of toilets and pray on the concourse level after school everyday (again, except weekends). That's how I figured out it takes 250 steps from the beginning of business/IT/Science school to the end of it. It's really fun though! Now next batch of TRP harvesters are going to do what I used to do!
Now, on top of that I'm now doing my own personal quiet time at a new place...It's a secret! I don't want anyone to disrupt my quiet time with God! Always try something DIFFERENT when you feel that you are not growing!
It's really all about Jesus!
I remember I used to work so hard, doing all the 'Christian' things. So much I forgot who and what I was doing for. Always remember Love for God >>> Ministry NOT ministry >>> God. Your love for God should compel you to serve His people in ministry NOT the other way round.
A good example is marriage. A husband was asked "How's marriage?" The husband replied "It was all good! We got big houses, cars, wife and children have more than enough food!" Next the wife was asked "How's marriage?" The wife replied "It was terrible! My husband gave us alot, but was busy all the time and spent no time with us!"
The wife is really right! Marriage is not all about works! It's about relationship and quality time! Same goes for your relationship with God! It's not all about ministry! It's how close are you with God!

*****PART 3*****

Realize there is nothing wrong with you if you are praying less than mr.X!
I used to pray with my group of friends, carrying a mindset "Hey, you need to pray for this...this...this..." I come to realize, I couldn't come into agreement in prayer because I was constantly carrying this mindset.
Please realize that there is nothing wrong if you, if your fellow friend can pray for 2hrs and you can't. It does not mean that you are not doing well! God always put something at a level you can handle.
I got a fellow sister who prays really different from me although we are praying for the same item. But she's not offended on how I pray nor I'm offended on how she prays. By praying for different things is good! Generally we can cover really everything on the same item!
Prayer shouldn't always follow HARDCORE guideline, using prayer list as a guide is fine. But HARDCORE over-relying on it leaves little room for the Holy Spirit to take charge. Be natural in your prayer, you'll find it alot easier to flow with the Holy Spirit naturally!
His Ministry IS NOT EQUALS to your ministry
My discipler sometimes would call up some of the members and pray with them. I understand and know that's God's calling for him. So I'm not offended that he's doing more than me, nor I'm trying to catch up by doing the same.
I'm more towards praying for my school. He isn't offended that I'm paying more attention to praying for my school than anything else!
I DO NOT MEAN BEING INDEPENDENT FROM EACH OTHER! I mean you stay FOCUS and there's nothing wrong supporting each other. I believe God has a BIG ministry and He divides and gives each one different calling and different things to pray for. I think that's how our prayers and ministry covers the whole earth!
Come before God...HONESTLY!
I remember I was so stuck in computer games that I came before God and prayed "God! I really love computer games more than I love You, I'm sorry that I couldn't give up on it!" All the while I was giving God 'hidden' loyalty. Outside it looks as if I'm surrendering fully to God, inside I got other agenda. By God's grace, He's changing me in this area. I would say I love to be in God's presence more and more!
Keep God in your plan!
I plan my timetable weekly, I put it in a way God always have room to make changes. I could always replace my timetable with sudden prayer meetings, or some really urgent cases. Check your timetable also! Is your timetable so fixed there isn't room for God to make changes?

*****PART 4*****

It's not about how much you give into people's life, christian works, ministry, how much you give in offerings! Really it's OBEDIENCE! I got a pretty good testimony on this! Few months back, I was doing quite well.....well until God asked me to surrender this area of my life to Him. Take note during this period of time, I was ACTIVELY serving in cell group, children church ministry, giving beyond 10% in tithes. I really gave alot! My first response to God was "God I give you everything! But why Warb00k!? (an facebook application)" You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know money, life, ministry holds more value than warbook! I give everything just except warbook, cos I love playing it! To the point that it is 'eating' into my prayer life! Well, I eventually gave in....let go and let God.
Your EMOTIONS will take CHARGE if you don't take CHARGE of your emotions!
After I dedicated my life to God, I remember there was one time I really hated this brother, I REALLY wanted to kill him. His sudden On-fire for God really made me so mad! God kept dealing with me in this emotion area. I cry out to God and said "God, you given me a chance again, I cannot afford to hate this brother and destroy the unity and fellowship. GOD PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY!" It took a number of times before God really took it away!
Be really careful in this area! Don't emotions take charge of you! Take CHARGE of your emotions! Surrender it to God! Your love for God SHOULDN'T ALWAYS be based on emotions, but on CONVICTION! That means you choose to God and not give up on God even if you don't feel like it!

My Personality

2008-01-25T21:20:00.001+08:00

I did this test long ago...just lazy and didn't want others to read me...well I can only say most are accurrate not all.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:
Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Will your friends be there?

2008-01-23T21:51:00.000+08:00

I answered a interesting questionaire recently...one of the questions was:
"If you are drowning and you see a boat nearby, how many people do you see on the boat?"
"I answered 4" (Father God,Tthe Son Jesus, The Holy Spirit and Junjie)
The actual answer is 2 (God and Junjie)

Sometimes I wonder if my friends asked themselfs...
If I lose everything today, who will still be there?
Thank God I got the assurance, and VERY SURE who will be there.
Will my friends ever realize I'll be there for them with a sincere heart? Or do I really have to wait for their boat to sink?

Hmm........

2008-01-09T00:34:00.000+08:00

I feel that the beginning of a year is a good time to sow seeds. Naturally after a harvest, you don't harvest. You sow seeds, take care of the seeds(and growth) and harvest again. This time I'll play smart! I'll scatter seeds all over and see which ones has potential for growth and work on it! (If you are a farmer, you would do that to right? Why work on a dead seed?)

Year 2007 is an experience for me! Thank God for it! I'm not going to be careless as I used to be!

Expect some changes from me! I'm going to do something DIFFERENT cos I want to make a DIFFERENCE(see the link?)

We change this world not by changing others, but by changing ourselfs through the persuit of excellance.

Stand up for 2008

2008-01-06T15:15:00.000+08:00

Hmm...I've got a specific regret on year 2007....I just wish I can change the day 25th Dec 2007....just that 1 day I want to change...If I can live that day all over again...I can live it right! Alas...it's passed....6th of Jan 2008....

I can't change my past...I can only change my present which changes the future...
So I tell myself...
I must go on
1 more year to go....
I must at least make this year right, even if my whole of 2 years are wrong.
Let's go Guanjin...help me Holy Spirit...We're going to make a difference together
I'm not someone great, but just use whatever I have, use it as You please, use it as You will
Let 2008 begin!

hmm...

2008-01-06T01:43:00.000+08:00

Who am I...
That You would know me from the start
Set me apart
Who am I....
That would place eternity into my heart
You have given to me
More than this world could give
My purpose is found in You

1 life I lay at your altar
1 love, I have with You
Touch me again, fill me as You hold
my outstretched hands
One word, You know I will follow
1 heart broken to You
Use me again, Your mercy follows me
For all my days...

In Your presence, In Your Power
Holy Spirit I surrender...

Pukka...Pukka...

2008-01-04T16:23:00.000+08:00

I fell and sink even further....
Throughout this period I've been thinking....things I've done, what I've accomplished. Did I serve to please people? or to please God?

Did I serve for the rewards or because it is for God, my friend? If rewards stop coming, what would I do? Now that I've lost everything, what does He think? The list just goes on...

I realise no matter what I do, or have done. I can either continue this road or go back to him. Is this or that way. So here I am again, picking up the broken pieces and building back my prayer life. There's no promise I'm not going to fall again but heck...I'm still going cos I'm doing it for God, my friend.

I fell...

2007-12-28T02:32:00.000+08:00

I was running on this track....I ran and I ran...then I fell....

Not wanting to continue the race, I sat down I ponder what I would do...It didn't take very long to before I quit the race and went on doing what I USED to do. I realize a Man without a FUTURE returns to his PAST.

Today while I was painting my house... I caught something. In a way, God has colored our life with paint and put different colors of paint in our hands. Some red, some blue, some pink, some green. To create a master piece, each color has his unique purpose. Dare we say we need not one another or no one is needed?

The paint is in our hands, it is our choice to paint the life of others or to do nothing.
And I made my choice.
I painted. The house looks better now.

Feelings....

2007-12-22T00:23:00.000+08:00

Man...i really felt like a squeezed sugar cane. *squeeze* squeeze*

I'm seriously drained on the outside. It's my excitement on the inside that keeps my outer shell going. Man...I couldn't stop....I cannot stop reaching out. If I miss this moment, it might be forever. "Don't give up THE MOMENT" was what I heard from God.

I'm like a normal human being like anybody else. Facing with alot of things to do, body gets drained, feels tired, feels like breaking down, feels like letting go, feels like giving up. This is no stranger to anyone. Neither it is for me.

This year I'm giving my all...I'm pushing everything aside, giving up things whenever possible to have this "extra" few hrs of time to do something more for God.
while now I'm studying, I still got some extra time to pray, seek God, serve God in this generation. You know what? I realized, once I start to work, I know I may never again enjoy such luxury to pray, seek God, serve God. That's why I'm giving my all. No room for reservation, no room for retreat. I may never again be so on fire again for God once I work.

Yes...I consider WORRY a waste of time. I cannot afford to waste anymore of my time to meaningless things such as WORRY. I'm not saying I'm perfect now...rather far from it. Even right now I still got plenty of weakness, just that I'm running and going ahead regardless of my weakness. I don't really have the time also to sit down and nurse my weakness. I rely on His Word: "Let God's Strength be perfected in my weaknesscess"

Whether this post offenses or motivates you. It is for my reference
Let it be known
I'm still going regardless of what you do or say.

Catching...

2007-12-14T14:44:00.000+08:00

You know...everytime I go service for hear someone speaking a Word...I always make an additional effort to lean forward...if it is really really good, you'll see me leaning my head on 1 hand.

Most of the time, I cannot remember all. Sometimes a particular word / phrase will sink into my heart. THat I will remember forever. I don't think it's just about hearing...it's what you catch...

There's someone Phili Pringle that sticks to me even until now...
"How...how do I keep the presence of God?"
"If you want to keep the presence of God in your life...you got to come to a place where you can dream..."
"What's on my prayer list? -YOU-"

Walking on water...

2007-12-12T00:56:00.000+08:00

Nowadays I'm having a habit to walk to the tampiness bus interchange from school than take bus back...

I think I'm addicted to God...ALl my friends have their own experience of God's presence...for example the warmth on their body. The closest one I got was I sense something burning...Oh! For me...is I feel gentleness and coolness surrounding me...it is as if someone giving me a very light hug...that's a more common experience for me.

Yah...I really got alot of things on my mind
- Cg birthdays
- Cg attendance
- Cg songsheet
- Cg Queuing
- my $2000 1 mth project
- Christmas friend followups
- Term tests
- Sch projects
No please, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to say I'm doing alot of work compared to anyone else. I'm saying out of my love for God, I'm doing this. Thanks to God, my heart is not running in chaos, but still as water. What I'm really feelig right now is like walking above rushing floods on a narrow stick.
Yes, you can say that if God leaves me alone for a moment, I'll sure drown. I just keep walking on this narrow stick, trusting Him to hold me should I fall.

But....that's what makes walking with God fun right?
Keke~! ^^

Strange....

2007-12-10T00:05:00.000+08:00

Had some conversation with some of my friends today...

"Oh, that guy...the one who loses his way"
"Oh, that gal...the one who is blur..."
"Oh, that guy...who couldn't handle his hamster properly"

When I think back I really wonder...when we remember someone why do we always remember as if a STIGMA is attached to them? Rather than to be thankful for what they did for us? "That guy didn't drove well, but he certainally went out of the way to send us home!" "That gal have faithfully served the Lord even though she's blur"

One day when I get my car....my driving skills will probably be poorer than anyone else. I was thinking, will they remember my STIGMA of poor driving or would they thank me for driving them?

Regardless of the case, God I'll drive any of my friends. Simply because...
I love Y0u God.

New SoooooooooooooonG!

2007-12-06T23:56:00.000+08:00

Check out this song~!

5 Loaves and 2 Fishes --- Corinne May

A little boy of thirteen
was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing and
he went to take a look
Thousands were listening
to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom
even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly
the day turned into night
Everyone was hungry
but there was no food in sight
The boy looked in his lunchbox
at the little that he had
He wasn’t sure what good it’d do
there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
the kindness in His smile
and the boy cried out
with the trust of a child
he said :

“Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
to feed them all.”

I often think about that boy
when I’m feeling small
and I worry that the work I do
means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry
is a diamond in His hands
and every door that slams in my face
I will offer up in prayer

So I’ll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All you need is my “Amen”

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it’s not too small

I trust in you
I trust in you

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
no gift is too small.

If you are asking why I'm so on fire for God this year more than the 5 years I have combined. I guess this is the answer. I can never teach you how to LOVE God. Love is not taught, love is an experience to be experienced. BUT I can SHOW you how I love God.

I'm 24 this year. I wasted most of my youth, now leaving 1 more year left. I thought too old to be used by God. Then came my 5 loaves and 2 fishes I offered to God on my birthday 12 Nov 2007. It was so small and little when you compare to this world. To God, it wasn't too small for God to use it. Offer yours to God too! Just like the song says...no gift is too small...

Take mine God! I'm willing! Let Your Strength be perfected in my weakness!

It really came back!

2007-11-30T03:22:00.000+08:00

The night terror really came back again! Again I couldn't call the name of Jesus again...just different senario. This time was really prepared, by God's grace. Not really shaken. Playing praise and worship song, going back to sleep again...I'm waking really early tomm.

I think it's funny

2007-11-27T01:08:00.000+08:00

Just thought of something funny...

Let's say there's a wedding dinner. The grooom sits on the table, you faithfully serve Him all the time. But seriously, even if you know the groom's name, can you say you know Him as a friend? Of course not! You wouldn't until you decide to sit down and talk to Him!

Doesn't this apply to our relationship with God too? Do you know Him but faithfully serving Him all the time? Of course not! You know God not by serving Him, but by spending time and talk to Him! From there, it becomes a joy to serve Him!

I think it's funny. ^^

What would it be?

2007-11-18T02:48:00.000+08:00

Man nothing clearer to me on friday...I was so overwhelmed if there is no revival in my school. I give up seeking God altogether.

Today's message cut my heart deeply: God asks: What's on your list?
Phil Pringle: nothing...You...What about you?
God: Nothing....You....

Man what's wrong with me? I've been praying for a generation seeking God not revival. But I myself is doing the opposite! Man! I want the next generation in my school not to seek after REVIVAL but to seek GOD, then comes the revival!

Time to swap my prayer list with God...then comes my prayer.
you know what? there is only one item on His list...
That is
...
You.

FASTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

2007-11-15T19:08:00.000+08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/webguide/internetlife/2007-07-19-swedish-woman-fast-internet_N.htm

When you show interest in your classmates life...funny things do happen...check out this N-E-W-S! Fastest internet @ 40GB/SEC!!!! It takes 2 sec to download a full MOVIE! Man how about giving 2 sec to download my HARD DISC! Technology is getting crazy nowadays....what's the most crazy stuff next?

Night Terror

2007-11-07T02:31:00.000+08:00

O...so this is night terror....really frightens me like a poor little hamster. I never felt so frightened before...I have no problems running alone at night, I've no problems enduring through a horror movie, but this scares me like crazy. I nearly wanted to call everyone possible on my handphone.

I notice it never really changes, it's usually the same( or change abit here and there)....Bo creativity one.

Very long ago, I had this dream where I was running and being chased by a ?(yes I don't even know what it is)...I just keep running. I remember I tried to call out the name of Jesus, but I wasn't able to. It came out funny words instead. I felt really helpless against this supernatural force against me. Sometimes in a loop, I would 'wake up' and be in this dream again! Never getting out!

Today, I woke up in bed. I saw myself floating in the house supernaturally yet unwillingly. This force against me...I tried to call out the name of Jesus again...again funny words came out! Then I woke up! I thought whew....then I realise I wasn't out of this dream yet! again, it repeated again! Until lastly, I dared the spirit to kill me, I was forced and floating outside my house (I remember asking my mum to call out of name of Jesus to save me...but she kept quiet...before I flew outside my house). I knew I was dead for sure...I remember saying "If You don't save me...then...my greatest honor was to serve You my Lord..." ...then I fell...12 storeys down...

finally I woke up...I was too frightened to even pray. Even now, a spoon dropping on the floor would send me running! I'm writing this as a memory, to fight this battle again if need be.

work work....

2007-10-12T00:23:00.000+08:00

Having a spiking headache now...once in awhile I'll smack my head really hard with my hands to ease the pain (no kidding)...I'm resisting to do that self-abuse thingy now.

Well, the amount of work load + My exercise schedule + fellowshipping with friends + own spiritual life. It's abit too much for me to take. Finally able to manage it properly now, honestly I thought I was gonna die.

I've been so busy that I lost what was most important and valuable to me: my love for God. Eventually, I came to a point that I felt I was completely dried up like a compressed sugar cane. These kinda things are painful but pretty good to draw my attention to God once again.

Well now my focus is back, let's continue to shine for the Lord again! Let's end the remaining time in this year with a bang N119!

Man I must be lagging behind!

2007-09-19T23:14:00.000+08:00

This is one of da toughest momements in my life. I've have to mix all this up into one dish: study for supplementry paper, working part-time (sometimes full day from 9am-11pm), my daily exercise schedule (20 pushups & 10 diamond pushup with 5kg weight behind me, 20 sit-ups, 20 clunches, 5kg weight lifting with my legs), my own daily bible study revision (1 lesson /night), looking after my cute little hamster MAKI (1min/day). Of course I'm no super man, sometimes I'm able to handling these all in 1 day, sometimes I've to forego certain things.

I've lost track when's the last time I'm half finanically independent from my parents. Everything is my own expense except my fone bills and internet bills. Oh no...my parents didn't ask me to do it. In fact I've to 'fight' to be financially independent; I still remember the struggle to reject my mum giving me allowance then screaming at myself later for rejecting! Besides, I believe MAN shouldn't always live by CONVENIENCE, they should live by CONVICTION.

Thank God my meals are provided by Feng's Family Pte ltd. I never really appreciate my mum's cooking until I start to become financially independent from my parents. Restraining myself from overspending in food is another thing...I still remember I would look in awe to those who order moutains of food....or irresistable Chocolate Ice Cream...I've to choose to be gentle with my wallet and not fill the empty moutain in my stomach. I mean man...they amount of food they order...you would think these people are specialist in printing money.
It's no wonder I admire the storage techniques of camels...i mean they are cool-LA!

This morning I was down with severe sore-right eye. It was so red, people are heading for cover as they thought I was really MAD(angry) today. It was also the first time in my life I'm so mad at my own sickness because it is hindering me to study.

At the same time I felt so weird, because the lifestyle I live is like so different from others...People around me would spend without a thought. Even for a drink that costs a dollar can cause me to foam in my mouth after too much consideration. Never-da-less, God has been really faithful and good to me. Although I'm financially independent, look at these bonus:
1)First time in my life, I was able to save until a 3-digit amount in my bank; it previously didn't happen even though I was getting allowance daily.
2)I'm so good at saving now. I think I qualify for a survival training or write a book on 101 steps to save.
3)Even though I wasn't getting any allowance, I can still eat my daily meals! Credits to Feng Family Pte Ltd!
4)Food no longer has a strong hold over me. In the past, dangling food in front of me would send me in a frenzy, chasing the food like a pup. Presently, doing the same thing would also send me in a frenzy, this time, slapping the poor dude with the food.
5) To be able to be more clearly define what are my needs and wants

Shocking....!!!

2007-08-30T23:21:00.000+08:00

What a interesting quiz....here are my results:

People Envy Your Generosity

You're a giving soul, and you'd do almost anything for those you love. And they'd do anything for you! People may envy how giving you are, but more than anything, they envy those you open your heart to.

What Do People Envy About You?

Then something shocking below...

You Inner Gender is Female

You're sensitive, caring, and willing to connect with anyone who's open to you.You make friends easily, and you enjoy all sorts of conversations.You understand most people you meet - better than they understand themselves. You're totally a woman... or at the very least, your soul is female.

What's" Your Inner Gender?

Silence.....

2007-08-25T01:08:00.000+08:00

I dunno if you noticed, not all the times couples talk with each other. Sometimes they spend very sweet moments in silence, just enjoying each others company and presence.

Well unforunately, I belong to the 'Noisy' family. 5 years already...Honestly I must say I'm very impressed with God dealing with me with a mouth that runs like machine gun. I didn't realise God just sometimes want us to stay with Him in silence....just enjoying His company and presence...Just as God accept me for who I am...I must also learn to stay with God in silence even if the whole day God didn't bless me significantly.

What an diffcult art to master...Great preachers in this world certainly masters of silence!

If life is a hole, then He was the light that came & fill it.....

2007-08-20T01:02:00.000+08:00

Tat's funny...I thought I know what I wanted to write....my mind went blank as the monitor stared blankly at me......Computers are dumb! Can't they type out what I'm thinking?

Hmm...Have you felt so lowly and lousy about yourself? Have you ever read the bible and found hope in it? Because throughout the bible is stories upon stories about people who start out lowly and feeling lousy who turn out to be champions shaped by God. Some are pretty common like: I belong to the lowest families out of all the families, I'm not cut out to be <>, I stumble doing the simplest of things!

Strangely, God often uses people who aren't so great themselfs to shame those who think they are top of the world. Thinking he's the only hope left for mankind. And often these people God use turns out to be great people, yet humble. I guess it's simply because they understand how does it feel to that you got nothing at all, and no one is that great after all.

I'm not really saying I qualify to be used by God. What I'm going at is, I'm saying God is just awesome, beautiful, splendid...He doesn't stick to human reasoning; that's why He's God, and I'm just following Him. Don't you find it amazing? God can turn something that is reduced into complete destruction and build a marvelous palace on top of it. So no matter how hard you fall, it doesn't seem to matter to God at all! W0w! Amazing! I'm proud to say He's my boss

Oh...

2007-08-12T05:51:00.001+08:00

I only got 10 more mins before my appointment Mr.You-Know-Who....what should I write?

I realised in FOP that praise is powerful. In the atmosphere of praise, you'll find God near >>> an atmosphere of worship, your faith begins to build >>> in atmosphere of faith, God m0ves pow-a-fully!

Keeping an attitude of praise (positive attitude) will allow you to see the LIGHT in dark situation, where others don't.

Will be a long-o long-o time before I blog again! Till then!

I miss alot...

2007-07-23T01:08:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time.....I've been working hard....serving hard.....studying hard......sum up my life in 4 letters is the word: Busy

In the midst of busyness I found recently I lost something very dear to me; My love for God...everything that I've done for so far, some are out of love, most are out of responsibility. Nowadays my prayer life is like this > 1am - pray....then feel asleep....next morning pray again....sch....Today I took a nap of 4 hrs...hope can make up for it!

I really really miss alot......before I started out serving so actively....
"I'm just a nobody...yet You came and did so much for me....I honor and respect Your presence...less of me...more of You....I don't really care what people say or think...I just wanna here be with You..."

I miss You....
alot

When you love someone...

2007-07-20T01:32:00.000+08:00

When you love someone.....don't you love to -
Stay longer with the person?
You are so immersed that your surroundings doesn't bother you alot
Willing to go all the way out for this person, even if it is just taking a piece of paper
Honor your promise and your word to this person
Your timetable is filled with 'His/Her' slots
You are thinking about the person most of the time
It doesn't really matter how good or bad the day was. This person has become your everything
haha, no... I'm not talking about my girlfriend nor I have one. I'm talking about my relationship with God...I really want to keep it that way...Just wanna love You....just wanna live for You...as simple as that...

When's the last time...

2007-07-12T21:04:00.000+08:00

When was the last time you let a friend down? While I was enjoying a good company of friends now, at the back of my mind, I thought to myself that long long ago I've let a friend down. Wasn't there for this friend when I should be there...In the end, I lost this friend, so many years passed. I've never seen this friend again.

In case you are wondering why I'm willing to go all the way and lay down my friend for a friend (if you allow me to). This is my answer. Simply because I never want to take a friend for granted ever again.

New Changes...

2007-07-06T13:39:00.000+08:00

New blog skins...and a new song! Like the up-beat song?

I'm recently upgrading myself. On top of my schedule, I'm running/exercising. I'm aiming for GOLD before my next IPPT before birthday. So I can pocket $400 bucks. That'll ticken my bank account hahaha...

Going through a period of 'breaking'. Am learning to let certain things go. Yes, we can do all things, but not everything is good for you, yea? Some things need to take it seriously, re-adjust my focus...Just some things to iron out in my life...I should be alrite ^^.

1 life to live, just try to live it the best you can yah?

So...Let's hear what I say?

2007-07-02T01:06:00.000+08:00

Well...few weeks before EMERGE 07, I started faithfully attending cell group prayer meeting. It was really awesome. Just like a mini-benny hinn service. On top of that, God spoke to me having a campus ministry that will bring revival to TP. I in awe of all the things that are happening. It is also during this period of time my relationship with God got closer. God wanted me to share the deepest of my hearts, the darkest corner of my heart that no one else knows. I was totally amazed. it's like...who am I? to deserve this unprivilaged grace and honor to experience Him and know that He wants to feel what I feel? As if these aren't good enough, I got a calling for Outing ministry! Who am I? I'm just a nobody among so many! Ordiniary looks, no very great in studies, blur at times, even in terms of committment I'm waaayyyyy behind.

Well great ministry requires great moulding. To be a sword for God that He can wield to make a cutting edge in this generation requires myself to be HAMMERED, SHARPENED, GO THROUGH THE FIRE. And sure I did....few months later. I got really proud of myself of what I'm doing. To the point that I judged my fellow brothers and sisters. No openly, but inside my heart. I started to compare....that I'm faithfully attending prayer meetings and they don't. "Hello? what's wrong with you guys? Can't you open up your heart and surrender like me? If I can, why can't YOU?" Then I favor some people more than others, if you are not on my favor list, don't expect me to reply to you in sms / phone. Sure I can hide inside my heart, but God knows all things.
Eventually God dealt with me. I got a shock (cos I thought no one knows, since I spoke not a word) then a rebuke. Like Humpty Dumpty, I had a great fall. During this period of time, God's glory left me. There wasn't peace in my heart. Few weeks of chaos in my heart nearly drove me nuts. That should explain why I look odd few weeks ago. I tried to act normal, like a cup. However, I'm clean on the ouside, I'm ruined on the inside. It was a great fall indeed. It was a lesson I'll never forget. Don't get me wrong, I did not hate the lesson, although I disliked it. This lesson was valuable and important to me.

During this period of time, I indulged in self-pity. I thought it was all over for me. Since I took God and His presence for granted. I found it pointless to do anything, since God's glory left me, nothing I ever do gonna last nor ever win back His favor again. Since it's over? Why continue on? I tried to find ways to finish my work and pass to the next person and leave church altogether. I actually thought once you let God down, God will pull you away from ministry/church work. I was so wrong! No matter how bad you let God down, you still have to accountable and responsible for your works! It doesn't excuse you from the works you are entrusted to do!
By now, I'm back already. I'm just gathering the shattered pieces of the broken sword(myself). And putting it back again. Trying to restore my studies life, my spiritual life, my personal relationship with God.

His forgiveness was always available, His grace was available long ago because God knew I would fall. Please understand, God didn't give grace so I can keep falling again and again! But to empower me to overcome my weakness! Did I learn a lesson? YES OF COURSE! Did I experience His forgiveness? YES I DID! After expericing His grace and forgiveness, How could I take it for granted and go back to my old ways? No the more I'm going to try harder not to let it happen again!

To me, it's a unforgetable lesson learnt. To God, it was a test of His love proven again. Sure it's easy to love someone who deserves it. "Awww look at this guy, so sorrowful, sure God will forgive You". But what about those who didn't deserve it? Remember Banabas and Jesus? The murderer who went free? "Sure God wouldn't forgive you! God's grace is for me, not for deviants like YOU!" Yet, Jesus, although sinless, assumes our sins and sentence Himself. Just for us to go free, whether we deserve it or not. This is beyond human understanding. His love is not limited by situation or circumstances. And this is God's love proven.

Now you see why I never want to judge others again. In case you didn't see the picutre, it simply because - We all blew it, big mistakes, small mistakes. It doesn't matter even if I find someone worse. We all have wrecked records. Then came God's grace - Took our records and gave us a clean one. Now you see why I never want to take it for granted again. How can I be ungrateful for what He was done for me?

I was thinking...

2007-06-29T02:19:00.000+08:00

It was the roughest patch in my life.....yes many of you wondered why I was acting strange in my blog? I said, I missed it.....and wished I didn't take it for granted.....

I was thinking all the while should I share this....it'll be very very long story. Besides I'm still fighting it....Just for now I'll say it's something that really really means alot of me. More than I value my friends, money and even myself. I guess I'll be sharing soon.....besides it's 2am already...bloggers do need sleep right?

What a great attitude!

2007-06-20T00:24:00.000+08:00

You know what? Out of all the bible verses. there's a person who isn't very significant. In fact he is lame(no, I mean really lame on the legs) yet because of I was impressed by his great attitude!I wish I could be like him! His name is Mephibosheth, read about him below:

So the king said to him, “Why do you speak anymore of your matters? I have said, ‘You and Ziba divide the land.’” Then Mephibosheth said to the king, “Rather, let him take it all, inasmuch as my lord the king has come back in peace to his own house.”

See that? He was cheated by his servant of his land. He didn't demand his rights to the land, even though it is rightfully his! He said, "Let them have all! I'm just content to have YOU!"

Read further about his gratitude:

For all my father’s house were but dead men before my lord the king. Yet you set your servant among those who eat at your own table. Therefore what right have I still to cry out anymore to the king?”

Back to what I really want to say. Seeing people around me driving big cars, having the $$ to spend where I couldn't. I was filled with envy and jealous of them! There's nothing really wrong desiring greater things, don't get me wrong! But really, I got so filled with self-pity, I didn't thank God for what He has given me! Shouldn't I be content and thankful for what He has given me already? He already given me a parachute to jump off the plane and land safely. Can I say He's a bad God, because I asked for a different color parachute? Or packed food so I can eat when I land? Or a change of plans becuase I don't want to jump?
He's already given me a parachute. It's enough. That's His grace. To be given more (which we always have), is GRACE UPON GRACE.

Now I realize...I have You! I got more than enough. Even if you don't give me more when I ask. Thank You for what You have given me!

Keep on, keeping on...

2007-06-18T16:04:00.000+08:00

In every course of a race, there is bound to be resistance. You may not always get top standards for running. Unless it's a arranged one. Wind, rain, water puddles, wet grounds, crack grounds, barriers, mouse traps, banana skins...they break your run, cause you to fall and injure (mouse trap...ouch!)

Regardless of how hard you fell...You just got to keep running. You quit the race, you lose the prize altogether. You keep on going, eventually you get nearer to your goal. You may lose the prize (Top 3 winners only), but at least you finished the race.

I'm tired...I stubbornly step on the mouse trap again and all over again...I knew it was there, but I refuse to change course. Foolish aren't I? Whatever...just keep going....

If Only....

2007-06-10T18:37:00.000+08:00

Man I just blew my chance....I was so close.......then I took it for granted....I blew my chance.....left me......now I cannot find it back anymore....

Man....how dumb and foolish can I get? So dumb so foolish, I couldn't stop blaming myself for taking things for granted. Now I pay a price that I could never recover...

For those of you reading this post. Just remember, never to take even the littlest of things for granted. Because some things, once you lose it....you'll forever end up in regret like me...

Someone who cares!

2007-05-25T00:34:00.000+08:00

Judas and Peter of the bible...both served Jesus...saw His mighty works...amazed, awed. What an awesome adventure with Jesus. Then the day came, when both of them had their accident.

One chose to turn his Friend in, for 1 month worth of wages. Another denied knowing his Friend after saying he'll stay with Him till the end.

We all know the story...after Jesus was out of SIGHT, and out of MIND. Judas hanged himself and Peter continued to follow his Saviour. Then came the miracle, Jesus came back. Judas no longer around and found Peter.

To God, both are equally serious mistakes. At the sight of the storm and drenched in it, both ran. One couldn't face up to his mistakes, and thought he would never be forgiven....he ran further and never came back. Another went through the pain of facing his mistakes, stayed and waited for Jesus to rescue Him. He was sorry, apologies accepted and moved on.

I was so serious with God, I was prepared to walk with Him till the end. Everything went well...until an accident....a big mistake on my part. I chose something that means alot to me, than to chose Him. I ran...I couldn't bear the pain of saying I would follow You till the end and do another. It was prayer meeting on that day. Ashamed, I wanted to stay outside. Somehow, God made a way and I was inside.

"Don't take the presence of God lightly!" "Stop running like Judas... be like Peter! Face up to your own mistakes!" "I say this to you not to break you, but to build you!"
This was said to me even before the prayer meeting started!

That's what I learned move on. I'am such a scary cat, any storm leaks of rain would send me running. I must learn to go face to face with my mistakes. Even if it means for me to get a scolding. I would rather get a scolding to have my attitude changed!

Like the story in the bible, like Peter, I continued to bear the heavness of guilt while waiting for Jesus. Like Peter, Jesus came and forgave. I'm still learning not to run in the case of my own failure. Like Peter, I'm learning to face it and move on. thank God for this undeserved grace!

Unconditional love and favor

2007-05-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

Today's 2nd message on beattitudes was so powerful, that I teared during the preaching of the word (this was the 2nd time in my life I teared during a preaching message)

God brought me back to remember the time where I was so broken before him...That was how the title you see on this blog came out:
I'm just a broken sword, would You give me another chance again To be wield by You again...
Thank God for blogs, I found the previous entry when I made the above statement! It was 30th September 06!

I remember the time I was so addicted to computer games. I was still serving in children church actively, attended church every weekend without fail. I just couldn't get out of my addiction, no matter how hard I tried. One day I came to God and said: "I'am so sorry God, I love my computer so much, I couldn't love You!", Try saying that to your wife: "I'am so sorry dear, I love this gal so much, I couldn't love you!"
Right after saying that, I honestly thought my relationship with God is finished. Well...my life start heading downsteam...No matter how hard I tried, I could never bring my friends to church. Most of my prayers bounced off the walls like arrows hitting the wall & landing as broken arrows. My school results are Fs, after another. Still, knowing my situation, I did not get out of my addiction.

I was glued to the game, but my heart inside was so tired of this rat race. Till one fine day...I was in the midst of playing a game...out of frustration, I just shut the computer. It was 2am, I just went to pray...then these words came out(I believe it wasn't me, cos I wasn't intelligent or able enough to come up with such words)

"I'm a broken sword, no matter how many times I try to make a cut, I could never make a cut in this generation. I'am just a broken sword, would you give me another chance again? To be a sword wield by You again...I'm willing to be forged, hammered, go through the fire. To be the sword used by You to make a cutting edge in this generation."

Lots of tears during that statement...right after that prayer I went to sleep because the next morning is church service.

I still stumble countless times after that, but His forgiveness is always available to me. God slowly gave me the grace and strength to put my addiciton under control, while at the same time experience the blessings and opportunities to grow spiritually.

To be able to serve God today, it is really really an honor for me. It is really really God's grace I am able to come so far today. Who would ever expect a deliberate disobedient and stubborn son will be used by God again? Even after saying "Sorry God I couldn't love You because I love my computer games more?" No words could ever express my gratitude and thanks to You. Only thank You...and thank You.....

Bye bye mistakes, Hello changes!

2007-05-03T14:09:00.000+08:00

this is the 2nd week of my studies...Everytime I flip my textbooks a 2nd time(i'am a repeat student)...I would always get reminded...
"Why didn't you do better?"
"You think God is still with you after you made a bad choice?"
"Why are you still here? You should have left"
"What makes you think you are going to pass this time?"

Thoughts of fear...but as I mature, I realize something...those repeated voices are all the same. This time I'm handling better. The voices never get stronger or bigger, I'm going stronger and bigger!

I guess when I evaluate myself now...I did change quite alot...other than my personal grooming and hairstyle...I take things more seriously now, now I don't adpot the heck care attitude. I'am sharper with things now, I'am paying more attention to details. Nowadays for lecture I would never sleep, cos I don't slouch on the chair anymore....maybe there's more, but that's all i can think now...

Yesterday cell group prayer meeting was a powerful one...feels like a mini-benny service...presence of God all over the place, fell under the power of God.....I mean like w0w....ever since when prayer meeting would be so powerful?

God prompted me to move closer to God even nearer. I used to live by people's opinions, fear of what others would think of me. After I learn to surrender that to God, i moved a little closer. This time was about keeping problems....I always adopt the attitude of keeping all the problems to myself kind. It's not that I do not want to talk to God about it, but I found it unnecessary.

I always come before God, and always ask God, where can I love You more, serve You more and the what areas I need to change. I would never expect God would say to me "It's ok to share your problems with me...your hurts, disappointments and regrets". I always thought before God, it's always your strongest side that you must show...Who would ever thought God would go all the way down for me...I mean who am I?

No Amount of thanks can express my gratitude...my thanks....for such a great and close friend.

Ordinary Job, Extra-ordinary thinking

2007-04-17T08:48:00.000+08:00

I'am just a simple newspaper boy...but something hit me today(I recalled some things that I read on Max Lucado: "Grip Of Grace"...As I give away the free papers...some ignored, some turn it down maybe it's too free to be true, some accepted it easily, some took a while to accept a free paper maybe they don't want be known as a cheapskate, some took it and found it wasn't their language.

What if..I change the contents of the paper and reads:

SALVATION FOR FREE
Believe in Jesus, repeat and be saved!

Nothing complicated, just believe in Jesus, and confess your sins. No need to run through the fire, No need to drink 100 cups of communion, No need to do in order to enter heaven, no need to bear a guilty heart.
Just few words:
Repent and Believe

Even if it is free, some would choose to ignore. "Sorry I'am too busy, it doesn't fit into my agenda." Perharps, it is diffcult to humble oneself to get a free paper. To humble yourself is to lower your status/position.
"Thank you, if I want to I'll buy myself"
"I'am a CEO of a major company here...why should I degrade myself? What would others think?"
"Thank you, I don't have to humble myself and confess, I'll find another way to heaven"

Maybe it's too free to be true
"It's about hard work, nothing is free"
"You don't understand, this is a dog eat dog world!"
Jesus answer to this is simple:
"Then don't live like a dog"
Me: "What?"
"I come to this world, died for you, so you don't have to live like a dog anymore"

As simple as that, nothing complicated...maybe you think hard work is the right way to go? It is like trying to make a stairway to the moon using stones and bricks...you are making some progress...but you got a loooooooooooooooooooooong way to go! Most likely one of the reasons, Jesus came, to SHOW you the way. Hard work or not. From heaven's angle we're all asking for the moon in earth.

Finally, the last batch of people who taking it for free.
Some took it, said "Thank You's" and were grateful.
Some took it, thinking they deserve it.
Some took it, thinking they earned it.
Some took it, focused so much on the paper, they forgot who gave me(It's really ok with me, really, don't remember me plz)

Some took the free gift of salvation. Were grateful, went on doing good, spreading the good news further.
Some took the free gift of salvation, Pointed their nose up high above everyone else, thinking they are above all.
Some took the free gift of salvation, Broadcasting to everyone of their achievements.
Some took the free gift of salvation, took it for granted and forgotten who saved them in the first place.

Again, just in case you readers taking it to the EXTREME. Please don't get me wrong. Since we are saved, it doesn't mean we do nothing and wait for heaven to come. We are saved for good works and we bring it further! I gave the newspaper freely! Why? Because I receive it free! As freely I receive, I freely give! And please do not think once you are saved you don't have to work hard anymore, again waiting for heaven to come. No no no! We are here to serve and be a blessing to others. See any poor? Give them money so that they can have meals for the day. Seen any sick? Offer assistance to them, help them recover! Seen the bullied and oppressed? Stand in and help them! To cut it short: Find a need, meet it, find a hurt, heal it!

Now the message of salvation is known to U! How do you respond to this?

Tough times in the rain brings you closer to the sunshine ahead!

2007-04-12T21:19:00.000+08:00

It was really tough...I intially got a job that was 6.5/hr as an asset auditor(layman terms: stock take) but there was so much time to rest that certain weeks I only work 2 days per week! Having 1 month to go, I left the job and hunt for another...It was a terrible mistake! I went jobless for 2 weeks while job hunting. Then I found a job as a newpaper boi, 2 hrs per week 7-9am. I was desperate so I took it! 4 days later I got a call to go back as an asset auditor again. So now it becomes like this:

1) 6 am wake up. 6:30am out of home, 7am start work.
2) 9am finish, go home. Took a quick shower and off to work again!
3) 10:30am start work all the way till 6pm! 7/8pm reach home!

It was certainlly rough and tough! I couldn't quit my job as a newspaper boi because of the contact! Close to 12 hrs of work /day...while at the same time juggling with UPcoming Dota competition, Cell group work, Children church ministry plus close to an empty bank account! Also I have to smuggle in 15-20 mins of exercise!

I trip and fell plenty of times. For a few years I couldn't bring in friends even for big days like Easter. I got really disappointed and fell in self-pity. Then the past mistakes came back to me, I failed in my exams badly I am likely going to repeat my semester. I always take these things personally. The bitter pool of disappointment, the lack of strength to go on...I grind my teeth, made the choice to stand up and move on. Honestly, I do not know where I am going by standing up and moving on. I realize, God never stays, He's always ahead!

I never knew I could survive all that. Initally I thought I wasn't going to make it. By God's grace! W0w! I guess what God is saying to me is this, regardless of how big your disappointment is, or how sad you are, don't dwell in it! Learn to stand up and move on! People don't drown in the water! People drown when they STAY in the water!

Thank You God, how can I ever thank you enough? I will MOVE ON! I want to walk with You!

Ahh...Pardon me...

2007-03-29T15:36:00.000+08:00

Ahh forgive me faithful readers, I've been lazing around...I really need a job or i'll rot away...There's one thing that I hate to do is to IDLE.

Anyway the music you hear in this page...it is only right if you guys hear the lyrics

We met in middle school...
...And shared a hundred year love
Beneath the gently fluttering...
...cherry blossom petals
I wanted to meet you and ran through.
Sun-touched, sudden hills and...
..the corners of the park, our shadows
Remain even now, unchanged

CHORUS
You and I, and the cherry blossom weather...
We dance, blown by the wind
Holding in my heart a future I can still see
We gaze at the peach colored sky

This song reminds me of when I'am young. I was so naive then, bgr crushes here and there. Yet, everything in my view always look so beautiful. There are times when I am down and out. Then I would go alone, gazing at the clear blue sky...beautiful! That was the point where I couldn't deny the existance of God...sure that time I still can accept human come from monkeys...but who ever make the clear blue sky? Can't be the monkeys...eating the bananas and working out a sky of endless horizons! Ahh...days of youth...where I don't have so many responsibilities...can't look back anymore :>

Maki The Hungry

2007-03-08T16:10:00.000+08:00

Hmm maki must be really hungry nowadays....well recently when I'am feeding her food, she would mistake my fingers for food....the next moment she would sink her teeth and......
leave me screaming like a baby.

Hungry hamsters are angry hamsters.

Wow

2007-03-05T18:05:00.000+08:00

You Are An ISFJ

The Nurturer
You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal.A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways.In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music.You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for.
You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

What's" Your Personality Type?

Found this personality test on my friend blog, quite interesting.....Well most of it i agree most...but cooking is one thing I never want to touch! (I did once...making chicken sticks?)...art? bah...music...? YES!

Being devoted to 1 person is no problem for me. In fact I would always prefer to devote to one than many! Designer? ...what!? chef? No way man! unless for a million! (then i'll get the million and quit as soon as I can) child psychologist......uhh.....never considered it.

Finally it's over

2007-02-28T16:35:00.000+08:00

Finally it's over. Today's Microcontroller Technology (MCT) paper was a miracle. Even after finish revising, I just couldn't get the programming code right. So I headed for the example with a big hole in my brain. I ended up doing all the programming code questions correctly by keep on reading through the exam paper back and forth(details below). Amazing! Do your best and God does the rest...heh heh...ONLY after the exams I learned something new for the subject!

Finally I can concentrate and move on to other things. I am planning to work on my spiritual life(reading up on christian history as well as some christian leaders) as well as equipping myself to be more knowledgable...I'll start with the newspaper. That's all I can think of now. Wishing you happier days ahead everyone! ^^

SUPER big thanks for those who prayed for me! And also my lecturers who extended their help to me! Without their help, I wouldn't be able to finish this race! Many thanks! ^^

I was stuck at trying to figure out whether the devices are OUTPUT or INPUT... and unused pins if they are considered OUTPUT or INPUT. So I read through one of the MCQ questions & main questions and did a compare-and-contrast. Through that I found out it was output. and unsed pins are considered inputs! It was a gamble though...because I do not exactly know if it's right or wrong. It's only after the exams I found I was right! Whoo! Thank God man! Thank God for wisdom!

Personal

2007-02-22T23:47:00.000+08:00

http://www.geocities.com/gjfeng/diary/22Feb07.doc

Private Post

2007-02-19T00:39:00.000+08:00

Private post http://www.geocities.com/gjfeng/diary/19Feb07.doc

The result of my decision

2007-02-14T23:50:00.000+08:00

I've finally decided to stay for my studies. But due to my decision, I have to work full time for this company, yet at the same time to study and prepare for my exams inbetween my work.

Honestly...deep down, I really feel like running away. Just having exams itself is a mind-blowing experience. To add with my work is just crazy for some. I'am really thankful that my full-time job is light, while at the same time, better-than-average-pay.

I want to grow up, not young anymore. Maturity grows not with age, but with the acceptance of responsibility. I will not run, but I'll stay! I'll stay with the decision I've made even if it is a bad one! No matter how tired I am, I will hang on and never let go!

Finalized-ed

2007-02-08T19:34:00.000+08:00

Decision made, moving on again.

Just read an article on harvest times...reading something about thankfullness...check out this one: Some BLESSINGS become so COMMON that you forgot to give thanks.
True isn't it? Here's a list that I forget to give thanks: Good family, responsibile parents, a house & a shelter, daily meals, in one of the best secure/stable country in the world,being able to enjoy things such as media(tv in a cosy sofa...), a nice warm bed to sleep on, good health, finanically stable, being in the wonderful family of God, mercy & grace for my silly mistakes again & again...and so on...

Christians out there, let's not take all these for granted & give thanks to God! :)

Decision Making

2007-01-30T13:07:00.000+08:00

3 more months and I have to finally come to make a major decision. Nevermind that, I'am already set in my mind what to do.

Finally got myself a Delirious cd. My 1st music cd purchase was "Cross", this is my 2nd one.
Haha once someone said something about me...

"You always get music cd for others..."
"Why don't you get one for your personal use?"

Was quite shocked when I heard it...I'am always giving away, I hardly come to the point to think about myself. I can only love people to the extend I love myself. Some cash is lost, a cd gained, a point taken and a lesson learnt. Moving on.

Should I....?

2007-01-21T00:37:00.000+08:00

I reached my crossroad...

Should I or should I not? There's a great price tag attached to it...not just me but others around me...God please help me...

First the battles...now at peace...

2007-01-18T00:26:00.000+08:00

Hmm....for the past few weeks(since christmas), I've been struggling with alot of things on my mind...shall I list them?(no, you don't have a choice)

Struggle about...
friends
Future, to finanically support my family
Studies
Rising myself up in cg
My walk with Jesus
Lonliness

I'am so constantly worried/desperate about bringing friends...I came up with alot of plans for friends, all ended up in the black hole. I mean I'am seriously wanting my friends to receive a touch of God, get saved. Why constantly battle with worries/burden/future? Hello! Jesus is the answer! Let God give you peace! While at the same time...hello I'am a christian, and I just failed my exams.

My parents are ahead of 60s and hitting 70s. I was hoping I can quit school (besides my school results are REAL BAD) & take over the burden to finanically support the family. Daily I am praying for them to get saved, remain healthy, less burden and long life.

My members around me are doing pretty well...bringing friends, friends got saved. Naturally I should be happy for them, at the same time I am looking at myself...what the hell I am doing? I tried so hard for so long yet empty results? Even though I was actively serving in CG, seeing their success, I felt I was sinking like a submarine.

Unbelievably, I am in a battle of lonliness! I could never understand it! I got friends, I got God...what on earth am I still feeling lonely deep inside?

My walk with Jesus is suppose to be a relationship not religion! My quiet time is there...yes, 1 hr/day, went for the service and prayer meeting...It became more like a routine! It was more like a religious duty to fufill! I am still praying yet helplessly sinking spiritually like quicksand! The distance between God & me grew bigger...

Helplessly burdened with the list above, (guess what?) I ran. Like a hamster who heard a loud BANG, I flee helplessly into the void. I slept when I was suppose to go to church(from sat night to sun night). I was hoping never to wake up ever again, so I force myself to sleep again when I woke up. I knew my concerned friends/members would call, knowing the system well, I cleverly gave a good excuse for them to stop calling me. I know the inevitable would come; the truth will be revealed. I am just delaying the inevitable. My friends are calling me back, my heavenly Father is calling me home.

Then...I gave up running(where can I run to?), turned myself in(Someone came & assist me back). God required something from me. One simple request: just go home. Not to be financially prosperpous, not to be the best member in cg, not more friends, not more works. Just go home. Need I do anything else? No, just go home. God didn't require me to make a special offering, just 1 thing: Go home.

I did. I let go of all the things I'am holding onto, and surrender it into His hands. This time my relationship with God matters more than anything else to me now. Is the problem still there? Yes, of course. The only difference is, I'am not counting on my own strength now. I'am relying on His grace & strength. I'am doing my best, and leaving the rest to Him.

In the midst of working hard, I miss the whole picture. Our personal relationship matters to God more than anything else in this world. Thus the bible verse "So what you gain the whole world, but to lose your soul?" Put it another way, God is willing to trade the whole world just to save YOU.

In the process of restoration...I saw something. I saw myself walking with Jesus back home. Knocking on the heavenly door. The Father saw Jesus and me. I was welcomed home, sat and ate with them. Just like here on earth. Your friend is always welcomed to your house when your friend is with you. I am welcomed home because of Jesus. I don't need to be rich, glamorous nor handsome. Just because of Jesus, that is sufficient.

I can sum all this up in 1 word! (Sorry you folks for reading so far)
Grace.

When it rains it pours...

2007-01-15T14:10:00.000+08:00

The rain just won't stop huh? It makes the weather so....bbrrrr....cold.

My dear maki looking outside the rain must be hoping I would rain as much nuts into her new home.

DREAM ON, Maki

Once In A Chinese New Year...

2007-01-11T00:31:00.000+08:00

Since ages I blogged...please read...for your eyes only!

Seems like Maki needed something something to sharpen her precious tooth...unwise choice to pick on the supporting legs of it's 2-storey condo...
the result: half the condo collapse on her...(ouch)
The soultion: I remade the legs...looks like she got smarter this time and left the supporting legs alone! Long live Maki! (And the condo)

The reason I didn't blog for a long time...because I went through quite alot this week, apart from receiving my super disappointing term test results (failed terribly for 2 out of 4 papers)...I've been building myself up spiritually(making a habit to pray now, putting more effort in evangelism), emotionally (learning to apply more control over my feelings), physically (20 pushup & 10 diamond(with 5KG load on my back), 30 situps, leg weight lifting(5kg load)...and working on 3 days of the week...the remaining time goes to my studies & revision...

The desire to rise up in me grows bigger than ever before...The burden to financially support the family(my parents already pass retirement age...anytime they can...) continues to grow...to see my parents at this age...I am hoping their burden would lighten, and stay healthy. I failed in many areas...but I'am still trying...I'am not giving up no matter what! I know God is faithful, if He has seen me through the past, He will always TODAY!

What I really desire now is breakthrough in my spiritual life, my friends to get saved, breakthrough in N119 spiritual & growth, my parents to get saved...and quickly get the diploma and start working.

I will get a job quickly to support the family....

Just give me a little more time...a little while more...mum & dad...then you don't have to work anymore & live better life with less burden...

Finally....

2007-01-01T23:59:00.000+08:00

Ok I'am more freed up now...I just finished upgrading Maki(Hamster) house now it is 2 storey condo....haha initially it was too high, I caught Maki using it as a seesaw(!_!)...so I lowered it...it's fine now!

Yea I really got alot of things on my mind...lots of happenings, lots of flashback as I step into this new year...Since many years I last sang this song in church...just brings alot of flashbacks...
Cover me under Your wings...
Hold me close...in quietness and trust...
When the oceans rise and thunders roar...
I will soar with You over the storm..
Father you are King over the flood...
I will be still and know You are God...

I sang it like this EXACTLY(yes, the lyrics are wrong) when I was in the army during BMT...I still remember...

Everyday was hell for me during BMT...nearly everyone is against me with their words...no one sided with me...the odds were 70 to 1...they knew I was a christian...they wanted to see how long I could endure...till I blow up and they going to say "see! all christians are like that!" Other christians who saw this were afraid and try to keep their identity...I was fighting this alone...
I wasn't a very strong christian then...I just know a little bit here and there...

Every morning...I would wake up at 3:30am(5am wake up)...and go to the room next door, I would on the lights because I was afraid of the dark then.
My heart would fell like an iron ball...it was very painful...and tears would fill my eyes from the pain...I would sing that sing..."When the oceans rise and thunders roar...I will soar with you over the storm"...I don't remember God saying anything to me then...I was like...having a plain and simple heart...It is just God and me at that moment...

It went on for weeks and one day I came upon this verse that came strongly into my heart "Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the thoughts that I think towards you says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" From then on, that verse carried me through my BMT, I am still offended, but I can handle it better; knowing God is there for me, in my lowest moments.

Here I am at service crying again...as I was seeing the flashback...I remembered...God has always been faithful even when I am faithless, God is still good even when we turn our back against Him...I am never truly alone...He is there! I never deserve this...thank you God!

1 more day....just 1 more day...

2006-12-30T19:08:00.000+08:00

yea...just 1 more day and the year ends...

just...alot of things on my mind now...mabbe i'll update later...